Tag Archives: Loss

The Ache of Loss

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Losses are hard. There are so many layers to it. Death, in itself, has amounts unimaginable. Loss of their life & having them be part of ours. Physical losses of hearing their voice, seeing their face, touching their skin. Losses of dreams, of sharing everyday milestones together. Just plain loss.

A loss is an ache from what is missing. 

Losses can also happen from things other than death. Loss can be ushered in from another’s decisions. I guess instead of writing about where losses stem from that maybe I should just share the ache of loss. It is an ache, a deep hurt inside that others can rarely see.

I’m going to zoom in on mama’s & loss. I’ve had more conversations lately with moms who have suffered losses. You just have no idea how many there are. If you’ve lost a child to death or have one who walked away then this blog is for you. Please hear my heart…I’m so sorry you’re walking this road of ache. There’s a bond we have with our children from the moment they are formed inside of us & our love for them is endless. An abrupt severing of that bond is not easy to recover from.

Life has events that we can’t see coming or stop from happening. There are accidents, tragedies & hurtful choices. There’s no way to emotionally prepare for the death of a child. There’s no way to prepare for when one abandons you either.

I go to Psalm 34 a lot. God’s Word has a special way of easing my aches. Verse 18 brings me so much hope because I know that no matter how much sorrow I feel, the Lord is oh so near. People may leave but the Father never does. Not ever.

Psalm 34:18

Me & water are like two peas in a pod. I could stare at it for hours & listen to the sounds of the waves. For me, it’s a visual on the vastness of “stuff” when circumstances seem like un-climbable mountains . I calm when I see all that He created. He spoke the water into existence. He sees & knows everything that I don’t. He is bigger than my mind can grasp. I can’t bring any of my children back. He knows each situation & it’s all in His hands. Which is way better than any of it being in mine.

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What do I do with the ache of losses? I meet with my Savior. I pour my heart out to Him. Sometimes I just sit in His presence & cry. I pray & I trust & I pray & I trust some more. There’s no formula to follow. There’s no timeline to stick to. There’s ache. Pure, raw, heartbreaking ache. Goodness, He knows it’s there so I don’t have to put on any falsehoods. He knows when my chest feels like a bomb went off. He knows when I could drop to the ground & sob for hours so why would I pretend like it wasn’t there. He already knows.

Spending time in my bible is comforting for me. It’s where I collide with the Comforter. His Word is what never changes. There are so many things around me that change. I need His steadiness. His security. I need Him.

I say Psalm 19:14 at the start of each day. These losses can threaten to pull me away from God or draw me closer to Him. I try to lean in closer. My words, my actions, my thoughts all determine how I’ll walk through each new day. I can’t change situations or losses but I sure can try to live in a way that honors Him. I’ll never be perfect at it but my desire is there.

Psalm 19:14

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You know how I love the water? Well, I’m a huge fan of God’s handiwork in the sky too. I try to pause & look at each sunset & sunrise. I might not be able to see the Lord, yet, but I can enjoy His masterpieces in creation. He promises to uphold what is His. His strength is perfect strength.

I can’t be afraid of the what if’s. All I can do is embrace the right now’s. 

Isaiah 41:10

Oh dear friend, I know it hurts. We love our kids so much. Don’t give up on your prodigal. Stay on your knees for them. Don’t let anyone tell you to stop grieving the loss of your child, no matter how many years it’s been. There is no set time frame for grief. The ache of loss is real. Not many understand that, but I do. Some days have a stronger sense of hope than others. Hopelessness will try to shackle you in its chains. Run, limp if you have to, but stay close to the real hope of Christ.

Always His,

Tracy

I am His child

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It’s so strange when your two lives intersect.  We’re born to an earthy father & are created by our Heavenly Father. Mine collided this July.

Hospice became very real this summer. I’ve been waiting for the right time to blog about this but there’s never going to be a right time. I constantly convince myself that things have to be a certain way before I can sit down & write. The Lord has been showing me for about a month how much of a lie that is. Those thoughts are a distraction & even worse, a lack of obedience.

We went into full gear “preparing”. I emptied out our front room, stocked up on food, equipment came, my dad arrived & I started the journey of caregiver. I fumbled through instructions & learning all kinds of new things. Talk about a crazy type of preparation. I wanted so badly to make sure things were comfortable for my dad. My husband & daughter did an amazing job of understanding & doing what they could while our home became my dad’s last earthly home.

Before I forget, let me say that we had a wonderful hospice team. The Holy Spirit orchestrated exactly who needed to care for my dad. What a blessing that was. I can also tell you that the enemy showed up as well. He always does when my Father’s kingdom work is at hand. The Lord is stronger & mightier than Satan could ever desire to be. Who knew what was about to enter into my house. It was holy ground.

I was taught that when eternal matters are at hand, all of the past is washed away. People make mistakes. I make mistakes….often. The amount that I’ve been forgiven by Jesus is immeasurable so I don’t get to measure how much I forgive someone.

I’d love to sit here & share about all the injustices that I witnessed this summer to make myself feel better. But friend, injustices are part of this world. It’s a byproduct of people doing what’s right in their own eyes. My “feelings” aren’t true indicators at all. They’re a fleshly response to the junk that goes on around us. I can point to myself or I can point to the cross. I’m choosing the cross because at the end of the day, or someones life even, that’s what matters. None of us can change people, only God can.

There’s a peace I have as a believer. I know, because I have repented, entrusted myself into His care & embraced His salvation gift to be Lord over my life, that I am His child. I will go to be with Him when I take my last breaths. To worship Him, to praise Him, to honor Him. For some, there can be a struggle before death, a fear of the unknown because the peace of Christ is missing. Eternity is front & center and they’re unsure…lost even.  None of us can see inside another’s heart but we can see signs of their fruit. Fruit of self or fruit of the Spirit. There’s even times that we might see a little of both & we just don’t know….

…Oh, but I trust that He knows.

I can tell you that no matter what was done in the past, what’s important is salvation. The desire to see someone be set free from their sins is deep when you know their physical body is shutting down. I had more opportunities to pray for my dad, read him scripture, play worship music, comfort & tend to his needs than I’ve ever had. The Lord gave me & my sisters some genuine treasures. We had tears & laughter despite what we knew each minute held. We embraced the moments we were gifted. Comforting someone at the end of their life has no words. The past evaporates & the present is what you grab.

I had some cherished times alone with just me & my dad. Even when he was no longer able to communicate, he could still hear. That reminds me of all the scripture verses I’ve read about the tongue. Spoken words can bring life or death & they can’t be taken back. My dad needed life & the Holy Spirit helped guide me with that.

I’ve been impacted by the book of James and really so many other places in scripture that I can’t even write them all down. Psalm 34 seems to resurface time & time again to bring hope & healing. God’s Word is alive and waiting. I would be among the hopeless without His solid Truths. Thank you, Jesus, for pouring your Word over my heart!

One worship song kept coming up- Who You Say I Am by Hillsong and yes, through my tears & choking words, I was able to use these lyrics to once again share my eternal hope with my dad.

Who am I that the highest King
Would welcome me? Dad, He welcomed me & he’ll welcome you too.
I was lost but He brought me in I was lost but I’m not anymore, dad.
Oh His love for me He loves you too, dad.
Oh His love for me
Who the Son sets free He set me free & he’ll give you that same freedom, dad, just ask Him for it.
Oh is free indeed You can be free, dad.
I’m a child of God I am His child & you can be too.
Free at last, He has ransomed me He ransomed me, dad. He’ll ransom you too. Just ask, dad, ask.
His grace runs deep His grace covers everything. He forgives. He’ll forgive you.
While I was a slave to sin I’m not a slave to sin anymore, dad.
Jesus died for me He died for you too, dad.
Yes He died for me
Who the Son sets free Jesus can set you free.
Oh is free indeed (lots of tears at this point)
I’m a child of God
Yes I am
In my Father’s house
There’s a place for me Dad, there’s a place for you in His house if you want it.
I’m a child of God
Yes I am
I am chosen I am chosen
Not forsaken I’m not forsaken
I am who You say I am
You are for me
Not against me
I am who You say I am (This is when raw worship rolled in with the humbling promises of who He says I am)
I am chosen
Not forsaken
I am who You say I am
You are for me (by this point I was mostly crying & praying for him to hear the truth & believe that forgiveness is for everyone if they want it)
Not against me
I am who You say I am
I am who You say I am
Who the Son sets free He can set you free
Oh is free indeed
I’m a child of God
Yes I am
In my Father’s house
There’s a place for me
I’m a child of God
Yes I am
In my Father’s house
There’s a place for me
I’m a child of God I’m a child of God, YES I am.
Yes I am
I am chosen
Not forsaken
I am who You say I am
You are for me
Not against me
I am who You say I am
I am chosen
Not forsaken
I am who You say I am
You are for me
Not against me
I am who You say I am
I am chosen
Not forsaken
I am who You say I am
You are for me
Not against me
I am who You say I am
Oh, I am who You say I am
Yes, I am who You say I am
Who the Son sets free
Oh is free indeed
I’m a child of God
Yes I am
In my Father’s house
There’s a place for me
I’m a child of God
Yes I am

Who You Say I Am 

I was my dad’s child on earth for awhile. I will always be a child of the one true Father. I had a hard time putting things back into that room after my dad was gone. I left it empty for awhile. We would open the curtains slightly so my dad could look out the window when he was awake. I still struggle opening those curtains. After he was gone, I sat in my chair staring at that room wondering what to do with my hands. Such a conflicting time.

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If you know someone who works in hospice then give them a hug. It’s not an easy job at all.

Thank you for reading all these words. Like I’ve shared before, time is so precious. I know what it’s like to lose someone tragically & not get that goodbye and I know what it’s like to hold onto a person as they take their last labored breath. I even know what it’s like to lose someone that walks away. Losses aren’t easy and leaning into the Healer of hurts is the best place to be.

In Christ,
Tracy

#myhope #faith #hospice

My Forgotten Draft

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I sat down to blog & I found this unfinished draft. *can you hear the sigh* I’m reading it & I’m pretty sure it got too painful so I stopped. I can’t believe I forgot about it. I never leave my blog in a draft that long.

When I write, I usually go somewhere quiet. It can be emotionally draining & uplifting all at the same time. I have zero control over the tears & I’d much rather be alone for that. It’s a release of sorts. I’m also easily distracted. Once I’m focused, I plug away at it until the words stop. All those reasons are why I wait for solitude & I can’t always find it every week. I’d appreciate some prayers as I attempt to carve out weekly time devoted to writing.

Now, back to the forgotten draft…..

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2 Corinthians 1:3-4  All praise to God, the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ. God is our merciful Father and the source of all comfort.  He comforts us in all our troubles so that we can comfort others. When they are troubled, we will be able to give them the same comfort God has given us. (NLT)

This passage has a lot of meaning to me. God is my ultimate perfect Comforter. He comforts me. He has carried me through a walk I never expected. Verse 4  is clear that because of His divine comfort, I can in turn comfort others.

Who can I comfort? I can offer hope to the moms crawling through the horrid reality of child loss.

I read a book one summer & at the time I had no idea why. It wasn’t my typical read & I can’t even remember why I bought the book. The book was Choosing to See by Mary Beth Chapman. I remember finishing that book & feeling so sad. It was one of those heavy – “Oh that poor thing, how awful”- moments. I felt really bad for her. I couldn’t begin to imagine what she was going through.

Shortly after, I was that mom.

There’s no way I could have understood her hurt from reading that book. There are no descriptive words to truly share what happens inside of a mom. You are forever changed. Very little people understand it. I know I didn’t.

Let’s stop here for a second….

Oh goodness, if you’re that precious mom- I’m so sorry. Can I please share a few minutes with you? You will hear hurtful things. It’s usually from well meaning people- move on, you have other kids, I lost my grandma, you’re stuck, how did it happen, heaven has another angel, it was their time, your other children need you, get over it, you can have more kids, it’s time to move forward, don’t you think it’s been long enough & about a handful of other things. Forgive them. Offer them grace. Smile & silently pray. You’ll never be able to get them to comprehend what they haven’t experienced. (on rare occasions if it’s the same person then you might need to gently share that their words are hurtful)

You’ll be misunderstood. You’ll be placed in a category. You’ll lose some friends. You’ll see everything differently. You’ll experience first’s- a first Christmas, birthday, family picture, Mother’s Day, their favorite recipe, their 1 year death date & many more. You’ll see a shirt they would like in the store. You’ll search. Your thinking will change. You’ll have triggers that take you back. You’ll cry. You’ll remember. You’ll ache inside with a pain you had no idea existed. 

The first year is a year of numb. I truly believe it’s because the Lord knows we can’t take the full grieving amount at once. I don’t tell you all this to paint a bleak picture. I share this so you know that what you’re experiencing is a part of what happens to all of us inside where no human sees. Our losses are different & our stories are different but we have a common thread. As moms who have lost a child, that’s the closest we’ll get to a human that’s able to understand our hurt.

Oh, please hear me. It’s not hopeless. There is hope. It’s God the Father & he is near. Jesus carries you & the Holy Spirit is always present. Cling to Him with every ounce of strength you can muster & He will fill you up with the strength you don’t have. He is the one that fully understands. I can personally testify to this. He breathes life into the pain over & over again. 

Psalm 34:18 The Lord is close to the brokenhearted; he rescues those whose spirits are crushed.

Pray without ceasing. Cry out to the Lord every single time you need to. Weep. Let His Word pour over your soul. Listen to worship music. Sing praises & lift your voice up to him in worship. You’ll need a few encouraging, trustworthy people & if you don’t have any then pray for some. Sometimes it’s only one person. The Lord knows exactly who we need in our lives to walk alongside us & our part is to pray them up. When & if it’s time for a new one then He’ll send them as well. He doesn’t abandon his children. He loves you. He is where healing is found.

Back to that book. I looked at it again. I looked at her picture. I was crushed for her. I now understood why she wrote that book. It was to share her story. It was 2 Corinthians 1:3-4.

That’s why I share. That’s why I write about the same thing. That’s why. I’m trying my best to offer a morsel of hope to another mom. There could be one right now…waiting… waiting to hear about hope. You see, I take the comfort that I’ve been given & I share that hope with someone who’s suffering from a common hurt. I may never meet them or even know about them but if they see something I wrote then it’s worth it.

I know not everyone reading this is a mom who lost a child. The great news is the message of God’s hope is for all! If by chance you know a mom who’s suffered in this way please be kind. If she’s quiet, let her be. If she can’t explain, it’s OK. If she wants to talk, listen. If she has hard days on special dates even 6, 15, 25 years later, let her. Words bring either life or death. Choose life.

It’s OK that you don’t understand.  It’s only by walking a certain road that you can fully grasp it. There’s lots of things I don’t understand. We all walk different roads. We have different hurts. We celebrate different victories. Our experiences equip us. They sharpen & change us. We get the privilege of pointing back to the Father, sharing hope & giving grace. I’ll pray for your path & I’d love it if you prayed for mine. Let’s pray for Mary Beth too!

In Christ,

Tracy

 

 

 

Dear Hurting Mama

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Dear sweet grieving mom,

I wish we could be taking a walk together & just be present. No words, no expectations…just silent knowing why the quiet works.

We both know words rarely help. Often times, words end up hurting. We get that others don’t know what to say & we really don’t need them to get anything anyway. We just need to know they remember.

We need them to remember we have lost a child. We need them to not forget our child. We aren’t seeking constant doses of sympathy. We just need an ounce of silent support. A few people left in our lives that don’t forget. Others around us that see certain days are hard & acknowledge it with a ‘thinking about you’, a hug, a scripture or a silent walk. Someone left who totally gets there is no time table. It’s a forever loss.

You & I know that we aren’t “stuck” & that we have continued in life. We see the ones that are trapped & it’s so sad. They need our prayers.

We get up everyday & attempt to live out what the Lord needs us to do. Those who say, “move on” really just need our grace & forgiveness. It doesn’t help to become bitter about words spoken. They aren’t moms who have lost a child. I’m thankful for that.

We lace our warrior shoes on daily. This is our path. There is no turning back. We walk forward with bleeding hearts that no one else can see.

We desperately love the ones still here. Our body spent months sustaining the life of each child we are blessed with. A bond is formed. A connection of life. We stay present for the ones we can & a piece of us is with the one gone. We try so hard to balance.

I have no answers for the why’s. I try & stay away from why. “Why’s” drain hope. I believe the Lord goes before me & He has all of this in his hands. I trust him. I need him & I won’t turn away from him.

I know the hurt is constant & never shuts off. We go about our life & live but it’s always there. Anything can trigger an instant flashback at any given time. We walk around with an endless ache that reality has left behind. We miss & we miss hard.

The loneliness inside can swallow. It seems no one sees. We’re different now. Time doesn’t change anything. Jesus does. He patches the wounds with his comforting love. The loss….the painful ache of the heart & the crushing grief become woven with him as we sink deeper into dependence on Christ. We surrender to his compassionate care as he delicately forms our new normal.

We wait. We pray. We seek. We cry. We trust. We read God’s Word. We sob. We hurt. We get on our knees. We hand the Lord our pain because we just don’t know what else to do with it.

I know we aren’t alike. I don’t understand your loss & you don’t understand mine. The thing is….we understand that. We have a common vine. It’s called the loss of a child. We hang from it individually, yet next to one another. No two grieving mothers are exactly the same. We may be placed in a category of sameness by others but we know we are very different.

Please hear my heart. I see your eyes. I see the loss. I’m so sorry.

I miss the sound of my child’s voice too. I have regrets & unspoken words. I miss seeing his face. I miss his laugh. I grieve all the never will be’s. I want to make him cookies. I want to say I’m sorry for a thousand things. I want him to see his sister grow up. I want him to love on her. I want him to have guy time with his brothers. I want to see my kids doing life together. I want him to play with his nieces. I want to hug him. I’d give anything to wash dishes from a meal he ate. I’d take 1 minute with him. I get this part. I do. I miss mine too.

Ugh….Mother’s Day is hard. The days leading up are the pits. The day after is a different sorrow knowing the day has past & you made it through. There’s no way to explain it to anyone around you so you don’t. You lock it away & it becomes another layer to your scars. Your heart is so heavy from scars you have no idea how it stays in your chest. I’m pretty sure it’s anchored in by Jesus. Oh, blessed Savior & Redeemer.

You may feel alone on Mother’s Day. As crazy as it seems, you aren’t. There’s an army of us. We might be a million miles apart but that’s ok. I’ll be praying for you & I’d love if you’d pray for me too.

In Christ,

Tracy

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A Different Kind of Mother’s Day

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Mother’s Day is quite the day! It can be one where memories are made & time is spent with those you love. If you’re able to celebrate this occasion with joy then treasure the minutes. Look at the faces of your loved ones. Listen to their sweet voices. Soak in every second of it. Oooo & Aaaa over the homemade masterpieces.

There’s a different kind of Mother’s Day that many don’t see. It’s the emptiness & sorrow. It’s the weeping when you’re alone & on the inside when you’re not. It’s the pain & regret that come from life. It’s the realities that no one can change.

I would like to ask you to pray for the hurting as this day approaches.

For some, it’s a day remembering what was. A sorrow in what will no longer be.

I wish there wasn’t one day set aside. I understand it’s a nice gesture but dare I say that it’s more than a day. This whole one day thing puts pressure on people. It opens back up wounds. It can end up being another rushed attempt to fulfill someone else’s dream of the “perfect day” when in reality there is no such thing.

It would be so much better if we focused on making the most of each day. Spending time in fellowship & just being together. I think we’ve missed the whole point. The real gift is people & time.

This other Mother’s Day is:

-the mom who grieves the loss of a child, -the one who never became a mom, -the child who never knew their mom, -the mom who hasn’t spoken to her child in years, -the one who has no idea where her child even is, -the one who is sobbing the day before so she can be present & joyful for her other children, -the one who lives states away & hasn’t seen her child in years because life is just too busy, – the one who no longer has a mom on earth, -the one who’s child has fallen & is locked away in prison, -the one with empty arms, -the mom who finds out the unimaginable about her child, -the one who’s child is trapped in addiction & wants nothing to do with her, -the one who spends the day at her child’s grave because that was her only child, -the one who’s dreams have been shattered by her own poor choices, -the one who truly believes no one understands,  -the one who desperately wants to celebrate this day but no man has chosen her to be his bride. This is a tiny glimpse into the other Mother’s Day. It’s very real & very raw.

If someone came to your mind after reading that list then reach out to them. A quick text letting them know they aren’t forgotten. An email saying you’re thinking about them. A handwritten note in the mail with some scripture. Anything.

If you found yourself in that list – I’m so sorry. It’s a bad list to be on. Can I share something with you? There’s hope. There really is. Past the horrible heart splitting hurt is where it’s found. The source of this life breathing hope is Jesus. He can fill any emptiness inside. Any. Go to Him. Open the pages of the Bible & seek Him. Spend time with Him.

Matthew 11:28-30

I’m also in that list. To ease the losses, I worship. I’m alive in Him. He is my breath of life. I breathe in His healing grace. He IS sovereign over every one of my steps. From the beginning to the end – He deserves all the glory. He is beside me through the fires. IT’S NO LONGER I WHO LIVE BUT CHRIST WHO LIVES WITHIN ME. He is the reason I can.

~ Don’t forget to say that prayer for the hurting on Mother’s Day. Trust me, they’ll need it. Ephesians 6:18

In Christ,

Tracy

#myhope #loss #rootsofhealing