Tag Archives: Loss

Dear me,

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I know this may seem impossible to believe, but you are dearly loved and treasured by God. He chose you as His very own.

I want to share with you that Jesus is very real. You have a heavenly Father who sees you, a Savior who saves you, and a Holy Spirit that never abandons you. God will rescue you. You are safe in His care.

I wish I could tell you the journey will be easy, but it won’t. Please hear me- you never quit. You learn that His strength is yours.

You learn.

You lose…a lot.

You hurt.

You get hurt.

You will never be able to imagine what you’ll walk through. Remember what I said, you- me…we don’t give up. The Jesus you have no idea about right now will find you. He has known you forever.

We may never know why, but despair and sorrow is what’s ahead for us. I know this sounds scary, but I promise you learn what refining fire is. You will learn, hands on, what real faith is. What endurance, perseverance, and steadfastness is.

I want to tell you what not to do to save you from so many bad choices. I want to tell you what doesn’t work. But, it’s from the destructive behaviors that you gain a knowing you need, and an understanding of what patterns must be broken. I wish there was another way.

You will be hurt and you’ll hurt others. There are some choices you’ll make that will cause a root of shame and regret to sprout. A critical spirit and bitterness will make their home in you. The good news is you become very aware and work at changing it. It doesn’t happen as fast as you want, but it does come. You will realize you need to surrender it to the Lord. He is the only One who can dig those out.

You will have idols that He demolishes. Gratitude will deepen from that. The definitions you have now for many words will completely change. Thankfulness is one of them!

Our life will be so out of control that you’ll try to control whatever you can to feel safe. You will learn that you can only control you and your choices.

This may all sound hopeless and you’ll feel hopeless, but you will discover what true hope is. Hope is a person and His name is Jesus. Hope becomes one of your favorite words.

Anchor into the God of protection and refuge as I tell you the rest. Just say those words out loud- He will hear you.

You will experience abuse, addiction, betrayal, neglect, abandonment, deceit, unforgiveness, not having a voice, being misportrayed, rejection, and loss. So much loss.

You will lose friendships…and gain them. You will lose grandparents that loved you and taught you so much…and tuck that in close for comfort. You will only hear a heartbeat of one of your babies…and you’ll be blessed with more. I’ll let the genders be a surprise.

You will have a season of time that you’ll treasure with them- your flaws and all. Then, you’ll lose pieces of your heart as you go through tragedy, death, estrangement, and distancing. As of today’s date you will have grandchildren you love dearly and sadly some of them you’ve never met.

Mother’s Day will go from homemade cards and breakfasts to a day that brings a fresh cup of sadness. The memories of what was will try to steal your joy. But, you will have already learned joy is Jesus only You.

You will lose your marriage…and get it back again. You will finally be given tools that work. Wait and it will come!

You will lose your health and work hard at getting it back. You will learn so much about how to be your best health advocate. Guess what? You will say goodbye to doritos and pepsi!

The Lord will redeem and restore so very much. It will look different than the fairy tale tv family you dreamed about. You’ll learn those are actors and not real families.

He will place you in organizations and ministries where you’ll meet some amazing people. He will bring those who see you for you and not your past.

One day you’ll become vulnerable, take your testimony and all you’ve been through and use that to help others.

You’ll hunger and thirst for His Word in a life saving way. You will grow closer and closer to your Healer. Trauma therapy will come and you’ll go with Jesus to those deep buried places and watch as He places His healing touch on areas you thought would never be.

I won’t lie to you, there isn’t one step ahead that will be easy. There will be times you can barely stand and He will carry you. He will wipe every tear and love you through every wound. He will reach down and pull you up out of the pit.

Your heart will shatter into a million pieces. You will scramble to pick them up only to have them fall through your fingers. You will cry from the depths of your very soul. You will have soul wounds. Take courage- His wounds will shadow over yours and bring relief you never knew existed.

You will live a life polar opposite of your plans. You will watch dreams disappear.

You will learn what real safety is, and it’s value. You will discover your true identity as His adopted daughter. You will see what matters in life. You will stay steady in Jesus even at the risk of more loss.

The world doesn’t exactly become like the Jetson’s, it takes a much worse turn. The road to Revelation is another very real thing. The bible is real. You will discern what is real and what isn’t. Stay so very close to His Word. You’ll have favorite verses that fill you and minister to you.

You will absolutely love praise and worship music. Yes- you actually raise your hands. Right now you have no idea what that means, but you will!

You will lean into your Creator to get through each day. Oh the love He has for you. We will forever be a work in progress. There is still so much change to be had.

Today, the Friday before Mother’s Day 2023 ( I know- 2023…mind blowing, right?) you are facing a Mother’s Day solo for the first time. Please hear my heart, your heart….even in the sadness you still praise Him! Even in the grief you still love Him! Even in the disbelief you trust Him! Even more than you could ever imagine.

You know, without a doubt, that you are not really alone. The Holy Spirit is right here! You…myself…are standing on the promises and in His victory over the battles. Even if we never see the outcome- He wins.

You’ve already started praying for all the hurting people out there who struggle with this very same day. The ones who feel unseen, have a thousand unanswered questions, are aching so badly inside that they just don’t know which way to turn. The ones who cry in secret, hiding their pain and yet hoping someone will realize it’s there. So many people. So many tear stained pillows. You pray they feel His love and tender care.

Me, could you pause and pick some flowers for anyone you can think of. There just might be someone back there that is waiting to be noticed.

He loves you, He loves you, He loves you,

Love, me

Healing hope

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There are days I barely recognize my life. This wasn’t the picture I had in my mind all those years ago when my kids were small. Things were never perfect, but we had a rhythm that was at a minimum predictable. Until it wasn’t and the unraveling began.

There are times when no matter how hard you try to keep all the pieces together they just won’t fit. Some fall to the ground, some get lost and some fray along the edges.

I think as females we try to hold everything together, but our arms get so full we just can’t do it. We believe the lie that we’ve failed instead of understanding we are limited in our human capabilities.

I thought if I just tried harder or a different way that eventually things would get better. I could see my efforts coming up pretty empty, and I prayed for the Lord to fill in the gaps that were being left.

I’ve always struggled with “not good enough” thinking. I thought if I did enough then I could be enough. In being enough I would be accepted as enough. It’s a crazy circle of enough. One that never stops spinning. All of it was so far from the truth. More importantly, it couldn’t have been further from His Truth.

None of us can ever be good enough. That’s why we need Him. If my identity is in my roles or tasks, then it’s terribly misplaced. My identity has everything to do with Him and nothing to do with me. If I don’t live out my days from that true identity, I’ll always feel like I’m falling short.

You know….it’s funny, looking back I never really had a vision too far ahead in the future. I’ve been taking it day by day for years. Oh, trust me, I had ideals and dreams…but I kept those tucked away in a safe place.

Maybe you know that place. Where no one else can crush or sabotage your dream.

I kept them neatly arranged right next to the Lord. He knew every single one. What I didn’t do was pray about each of them. They were my thoughts and things I hoped for, but not things I sought His direction with.

When some of those things started falling apart, I realized just because He let me put them there didn’t mean He was holding them in his care. They weren’t part of His plan. They were part of mine.

In the blink of an eye the day by day has become years gone by. Back then days felt so long. Now years feel incredibly short.

I can’t make human sense out of a lot of what happens. This is what I do know…every generation makes choices that effect the next. Each person’s choices impacts others. And wounds will be present.

Sicknesses, tragedies, abandonment, death, accidents, addictions, abuse, losses, all the unplanned are rarely seen as a reality on the horizon. When they hit it causes a shattering.

As awful as those things are I can tell you it was in those places where I learned the most about changes I needed to make. Each and every one took away more of me so there could be more of Him. And it still is, because refining never ends.

Verses like 2 Corinthians 5:17 and Colossians 3:1-4 lead me back to the thoughts I need to have in my mind. Thoughts that bring life, not death.

None of us can force someone else to see, own and make needed changes. We can’t stop accidents or disease from happening. We can’t undo what someone else has done. We can’t be the glue that holds everything together….but there is One who can.

In the midst of all the hurt is healing hope. His wounds ushered in healing for all.

I may never see restoration in some areas, but that doesn’t mean it’s not possible. There is nothing beyond His reach. Nothing and no one.

Some days I open my eyes and am exhausted before the day even starts. My mind races with “how long, Lord, how long.” I can’t tell you how many times my morning bible study and devotions hit right at the core of my weariness. He meets me right where I’m at.

Other days I’m able to start out with a heart of gratitude.

I wish I could tell you I anticipated each day and had eyes immediately ready to see all the blessings. Right now those days are on the rare side as I sit in the waiting. What I haven’t done is give up. I know with each new day comes a fresh filling of mercy that gifts me with His guidance and help for my thinking.

“Wait for the Lord; be strong, and let your heart be courageous. Wait for the Lord.” Psalm 27:14

Jesus willingly endured the cross to make all things right. There was pain and heartache. And suffering. Because of what He did I’m able to get through pain and heartache. And suffering.

Psalm 121

If you are surrounded by circumstances that have you heavy laden please don’t give up. He is the God of all hope and he’s right by your side!

Romans 15:13 “Now may the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you believe so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.” (CSB)

I know it can feel hard to find hope when so much heaviness is surrounding you. My prayer for you is that you’ll find comfort in His word and in his presence.

“Come to me, all of you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take up my yoke and learn from me, because I am lowly and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.” Matthew 11:28-30

I don’t know if you’ve ever seen a yoke in action but if both animals don’t move together it doesn’t work. They have to go in the same direction and speed. One can’t get in front of the other or there’s no momentum. It’s the same if one pulls, lags behind or turns their head. There must be a unison effort. A more experienced animal is paired with one that needs direction and guidance.

Guess who needs direction and guidance? Yep, I’m the girl with her hand raised! When I try to go ahead of Jesus, do things in my own effort or take off in a different way I lack His peace and rest.

Those verses are incredibly personal and specific. Jesus knows we will be heavy laden and weary and invites us to come. To come to Him. We don’t have to walk alone. The world is a hard place to be. We can yoke with Him and he will help us make it through.

I want to learn from Him in the waiting. I need to learn from Him. If you’re in the waiting there’s space for you right next to me. We can wait and learn together.

Because He lives you and I can make it through today and face tomorrow. Never forget that! All Because He lives!

Resting with Jesus,

Tracy

Divinely beautiful

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I sat down to do my morning bible study time. I woke up early and had a plan! Get my prayer time in, oils on, look for a song I heard on the Christian radio station, read some scripture, and share with my small group.

Then…I hit a destined detour.

Isn’t that how things can so often go? Our plans get halted and we come face to face with something we need to see.

Dwelling on the past isn’t the same as facing where we’ve been.

The song I looked up was My Jesus, and honestly, I had no idea what the back story was. I watched the lyric video first. Intrigued…I watched the official video. It was all I could do to finish. Mid song I saw a reflection of myself on my laptop screen.

My own sorrow was looking straight back at me. It’s crazy how time doesn’t soften the pain that surrounds grief. It’s an actual physical hurt. One that makes you feel like your chest is about to explode.

The shattered pieces of my heart were connecting with the story of the song writer. I made my way to her video testimony where she describes what the song is rooted in.

I’m so grateful I had a little scripture in me. It’s the strength I need for unexpected moments like this.

Many of us have “Jacob’s”. The circumstances surrounding our pile of ashes may be different, but each of us walk with remnants of ash on our feet.

The beauty of the Lord that rises up is found in the writing of words. In the singing of songs. In the drawing of pictures.

In our places of Jacob you will find authentic pain being used to tell of the hope that is only found in Christ.

There comes a time when we look down and see the trail of ashes behind us. Our footprints mix in with ashes from another. We recognize it. We hurt for them. And we look up, to the Guider of our steps and lift our praise.

Not for the tragedy, but for the undeniable presence of the Comforter. The One who is sweeping up the ashes, and collecting every tear to create something beautiful. A beauty not always seen by the world. A divine beauty where His scars lay overtop ours.

It’s a beauty no money can buy. It’s found in the real. The places others are afraid of. The places we never chose, but were handed.

Being divinely beautiful has a purpose.

It’s to show the next Jacob’s that you really can breathe again. That hope takes on a new name. That our days become His days. With our hands lifted high a pause button gets pushed, then we see. And we shift our hands out…to embrace the broken soul headed our way.

The one that doesn’t need to hear any words at all. The one who looks into our eyes and knows we see the start of their divine beauty.

Rising Up,

Tracy

An empty tree

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I haven’t experienced the dread of Christmas ornaments in quite awhile.

It caught me off guard.

Like many people this year, we were ready to bring out our holiday decorations early. We needed a ray of hope after months of Michigan shut down & worldly tension.

All the decorations went up easily & our house started to look a little brighter. Then, it was time for the tree. My daughter helped me carry it upstairs & put it together. Seeing the lights come on made all the hard work worth it.

That’s when the feeling from years past swept over me, and grief threatened to swallow me. I just never know when triggers will come. I looked at those ornament boxes & knew.

I couldn’t do it this year.

I stacked the boxes by the tree and there they stayed. Every time I thought about decorating the tree all the waves of emotion would crash in.

I went through this the first few years after losing Jake. Then, again, four years ago when a family member walked out of our lives.

You see…inside those boxes are symbols of loss. Once, they were memories & some years they are still tender memories…but this year…this whole 2020 thing. This year is a different kind of raw.

Do you feel it too?

2020 has been very revealing. Values have been exposed. Some families have gotten closer and others have watched as their cracks of brokenness grew wider. There’s something about hard times that pull people together or tear people apart.

Sadly, we aren’t one of the families that grew closer, and I’m guessing that’s the root of the struggle for me with this years tree.

The enemy tries to use our reality to get us to believe his lies. Just because I hurt doesn’t mean the Lord has abandoned me.

“I have told you all this so that you may have peace in me. Here on earth you will have many trials and sorrows. But take heart, because I have overcome the world.” John 16:33 (NLT)

Every night as I turned on the tree, I appreciated the beauty of it’s bareness. The glistening & shining lights reminded me of how we’re called to be lamps on a lampstand.

“No one lights a lamp and puts it under a basket, but rather on a lampstand, and it gives light for all who are in the house. In the same way, let your light shine before others, so that they may see your good works and give glory to your Father in heaven.” Matthew 5:15-16 (CSB)

One thing that has happened for me in 2020 is a strengthening…a deeper reliance on Christ and continued spiritual growth. He always brings good out of bad…I just have to have eyes to see it.

The day finally came… I told Jaelynn it was time to decorate the tree. I opened the first box & crumbled. Through my tears I chocked out that I just couldn’t do it.

Do you know what happened? That precious girl sorted all those ornaments. She laid out all the “safe” ornaments & tucked away the ones from Christmas past.

In that moment I felt weak. The truth is I am. My strength ended long ago. I only make it through each day because of His strength. It’s OK that she sees when I can’t…it’s then that she sees Who can.

After we finished decorating we both agreed we liked it more bare…and next year we just might stick with some berry sprigs & plain wooden ornaments.

For now, it’s one day at a time. His plans are not my plans. His ways are not my ways. I’m seeking to live a surrendered, anchored-in life. Like a bare tree…exposed, but shining brightly.

I’m fresh into a new book, Forgiving What You Can’t Forget, by Lysa Terkeurst. I’d like to share two paragraphs from the companion journal that stuck out to me last night…

“The painful event in your life has the potential to darken all of your memories related to it. But it doesn’t have to. In reality, your memories are a mix of delightful and awful, and you get to choose what you do with them. Beautiful or painful, they are all your own authentic experience.”

“If we want something different, we can try to do something different. The very idea of that shines a bit of light and hope into our souls. For now, we will hold onto two truths: all is not lost, and while the pain can certainly refine us, it does not have to define us.”

Maybe you’re in a place of pain right now. Can I offer you some hope? No matter what is going on around us, God is very much in control. Our lives might not look anything like what we planned, but there is purpose in it all….even when it doesn’t make sense.

Will you join me in laying down all the unknowns, and lift your hands high to the One who does know?

Jesus loves us so much that He willingly died in our place. He was persecuted, mocked & beaten. He suffered so we could be free. I don’t know about you, but that drops me to my knees. What I deserve, He took instead.

Even in this ever changing world, there is an unchanging Savior. That is where true hope lies, my friend. Right there. His mercies are new every single morning.

Come…let us adore Him!

Wrapped in His grace,

Tracy

Time stands still

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Loss has a way of changing everything.

For years, time flew by in a frenzy of things that seemed important in the moment. Seconds turned into minutes that turned into hours, days & years.

Many things had value and tucked memories deep into my heart.

But…if I’m honest, I also wasted precious time on things that just didn’t matter that much at all.

There’s the funny thing about time. It’s gone in a vapor & doesn’t stop for anyone. It doesn’t care about the value of how we spend it. The clock just keeps ticking.

I can tell you, there are seasons when it feels like time stops.

Grief. Loss. Tragedy.

For me it was a phone call. Years later…an unexpected letter.

The hands on the clock seemed to stop turning, and I desperately wanted to turn them back.

Eventually, I could hear the ticking of the clock again…but my reality became an unplanned, unexpected existence.

In the middle of what I never saw coming was my Savior…a shelter…hiding place…an anchor.

I want you to know…if it feels like your clock has stopped moving, and the world is rushing by all around you…I’ve been there too. Loss has a way of forever changing some things.

It ushers in different. A different perspective. A different way.

Please…don’t ever forget how precious time is. The moment we have is right now. We can use it for His glory if we shift what we treasure.

I may not understand all that happens in this world, but I do know it’s temporary. This earth is not my home.

I’m here to praise Him…even in the storms…especially in the storms.

Psalm 145

Dear friend, if you’re like me and are living days in a life you barely recognize…run to Him. He is enough. He is the way, the truth and what real life is all about.

He came down to save us and help us get back home!

Forever His,

Tracy

#loss #hope #time

Lean

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Can I ask a question?

What do you lean into?

When the push comes that nearly knocks you off your feet. When the life you never expected looks back at you in the mirror. When the unimaginable becomes reality. When the day in and day out struggle is more than you can bear.

Where do you lean?

I find myself having to do a heart check every now again to sort through my own answer to that question.

Of course my quick answer is, “I lean into the Lord”, but do I really as much as I long to and know that I should?

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Life can be a series of trials with some regrouping time in between. Each hard season has the opportunity to refine me if I lean into the right things.

My flesh wants to lean into my opinion, my own understanding, my ideas, my plans, my pain. Sometimes it wants to lean into people and all of their opinions, ideas, plans, and pain.

If I’m honest, that fleshly response seems easier when in reality all I’m doing is taking the long way around to where the Lord is trying to lead me.

If I value anything more than the Lord then my leaning will be toward the wrong thing.

Who I am & Who’s I am needs to be rooted in the Savior…first & foremost…always & forever.

Where I need to lean brings life. I need to lean into God’s Word. I need to lean into His presence. I need to lean into worship. I need to lean into my identity as his chosen daughter.

Psalm 18:1-2 “I love you, Lord, my strength. The Lord is my rock, my fortress, and my deliverer, my God, my rock where I seek refuge, my shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold.”

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From that leaning place is where I’ll be steady enough to face what this world brings. There are moments when my leaning in can look more like a grasping on.

Do you believe that His hand is out to you? Do you trust that He will lift you out of the deep pit? I’m on the other side of this screen telling you- YES- He really truly does. I am living proof that it’s real. You just need to lean His way & lift up your hand.

Even when it seems no one else sees you or understands…He does.

These painful places can strengthen us if we let them. The enemy wants to destroy us. He wants us to lean into the wrong things.

Proverbs 3:5-8 “Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths.
Be not wise in your own eyes; fear the Lord, and turn away from evil. It will be healing to your flesh and refreshment to your bones.”

Do you see what that says? Healing & refreshment!

Friend…this I do know- our God is mighty enough to have the entire world lean into Him. There’s room for you too! How about we both lean together?

Forever Holding onto Hebrews 10:23

Tracy

 

 

 

 

Sunrise

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I can always count on the sun rising each morning. It’s a steady event. One that happens each new day that the Lord provides.

With that sunrise comes His mercy. His grace. His love. Forgiveness. Direction. Guidance. His presence doesn’t rise & set like the sun…it’s a constant. Oh, do I ever need that constant.

What is unknown is what will happen each day.

There will be phone calls that change realities forever. Unexpected letters that explode hearts into a million pieces. Emails, pictures & texts that alter walking through each day. There will be grief and loss. Confusion & devastation. Abandonment & sorrow. Betrayal & brokenness. Complete cutoffs.

As the sunrise turns into a new day, there will be so many opportunities for hurt…but in all that hurt there’s hope. Hope in what doesn’t change…Him. He never ever changes.

I can wake up being haunted by the hurts of yesterday and He’s there. 

I can start each day with a deep heaviness and He’s there. 

I can open my eyes and not know how to start another day and He’s there. 

In the deepest hurt…He’s there. He’s always there.

sunrise

He knows what will happen as the sunrise appears on the horizon. He goes before & he leads. He holds out his hand & walks his sheep through each day.

That’s the hope I’m talking about. I know situations can feel hopeless, but that doesn’t mean there isn’t hope. True hope isn’t found in a person or a thing. It’s found in the Savior and His Word.

The walls inside my home have seen many tears. But outside– I can step outside and His beautiful sunrise is there each morning. It doesn’t have to stay outside either. His light can penetrate through every single crack & shine hope onto each tear-stained spot.

That same hope is for all the broken. Are you broken? He can help! Cry out to Him for his mercies and he will provide. I’m not saying it’s easy, because it’s not…but you don’t have to do it alone. He will lead you and love you in ways that you never thought possible.

I’m walking this path longer than I ever thought, but do you know what? I haven’t lost my hope. It’s actually growing. There are things that He needs to change in me to help draw me closer to him.

Will you love me after devastating phone calls? Yes, Lord.

Will you love me when others hurt you? Yes, Lord.

Will you love me if your dreams are not my plan for you? Yes, Lord.

Will you love me if I take away the children I placed in your care? Yes, Lord.

Will you love me when your life is painfully hard? Yes, Lord.

Will you love me when I allow more brokenness to walk through the door? Yes, Lord. Yes. I love you more & more.

The sun will rise again tomorrow. For right now, it’s today. With hope in my heart, I will follow my Shepherd wherever he leads.

All The Way My Savior Leads Me 

Forever His sheep,

Tracy

#Psalm23Study #MyShepherdlovesme

 

Anchor

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I went for a walk down the lane to clear my head and have some quiet time with the Lord.

Right away I noticed how cracked & hard the ground is from a lack of rain. Things tend to make more sense when we see a cause and effect situation with our eyes, but what about when we can’t.

Everyone has circumstances surrounding them this very second. Some have simple explanations, like a lack of rain & others don’t. It’s the ‘others’ that can be such a struggle.

Lord, help us not to just see our circumstances, but to search for You in them.

I’d guess the plants I was walking by have pretty shallow roots. Ever since the seed went in the ground, the rains have halted. Plants need a deep watering to have deep roots.

It’s like us. If I only sprinkle my day with a quick prayer & a few verses then my roots don’t have much to draw on. I need a daily downpour to have roots that can anchor me in His strength.

Colossians 2:6-7 

anchor

The hope of Jesus is an anchor for our soul. I believe that with every ounce of everything in me. I can sink myself into His entire being to find hope.

Hebrews 6:19

Sweet friend, are your days hard right now? All I can offer is…Jesus. Please reach for the only One that can ease the pain. There is nothing else. Only Jesus. He fully understands.

It’s in the vast areas of water that anchors need to be mighty to go into the depths. During our stormiest times, we have an anchor unlike no other. He is the Great I AM!

Are you anchored in Him?

God’s Word is the rope that attaches us to the Anchor. Worship. Prayer. Scripture Meditation…each is a strand that adds to this indestructible rope.

It’s in the most uncertain times that growth happens. The hard ground & cracks of life can be used to bring Him glory.

Will you join me in trusting Him with the unseen’s & searching for Him in the midst?

Adopted by Him,

Tracy

 

 

 

 

Entrusting the One

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There will be days, months…even years that shake you.

The unexpected can leave you—

facing each day with the same raw realities, climbing out of bed with weights on your heart & feet. Sunrise bringing new mercies that you desperately need, but the heaviness…oh, the heaviness.

It’s a hard place to be.

I can honestly say, I’m probably two steps ahead or behind you…traveling a road I never wanted to be on. I’m fairly certain more roads are to come. Until the Lord takes me home, there’s going to be rough paths here & there.

Strahlengang 3

Do you know what the good news is in all of that? I don’t travel alone. He doesn’t abandon His own. Ever.

The day that He opened the door & embraced me- sin stained, rebellious, prideful, broken, lost me…is the moment I gained a forever Father. Jesus fully loves me. So much that He died for me.

It’s because of all that He is that I can strap His sandals over mine & journey on.

If I’m carrying too many other things, I can’t fully hold onto Him. My grip will loosen on something. It can’t be Him.

So what do we do when the heaviness of the load becomes too much? Eventually, I let go—

entrusting people & situations to the One who set me free is the best possible thing I can do. I can’t handle the choices of others. I can’t change losses. I can’t heal hurts. I can’t prevent things from happening. I wasn’t created to do any of that.

The losses…I entrust to Him.

The pain & hurt…I lay at His feet.

The unimaginable…I surrender.

I don’t do it perfectly.  Even my letting go is messy & that’s OK. He knows I’m still learning. Still growing. It’s when I don’t let go that it’s not OK. If I hang on too tight or too long then the weights get heavier & I start sinking.

How do I know this? Because I’ve done it.

I wish I could give you step by step instructions, but I can’t. The letting go process has no time table. There’s no ‘right way’. All I can offer is stay close to Him, His Word, prayer & you’ll know when it’s time. The Holy Spirit will guide you.

‘Letting go’ is a phrase that’s misused by many. The thing is, with letting go, I have to be ready. It can’t be forced. Do you know what, “I have to be ready means?” It means I fully turn to the Lord, fully trust Him, fully release my wounds into his Hands. Fully.

Bumps will come. I don’t know what or when they’ll be or who will be involved. When it’s a child or someone very close to you, those unexpected’s can feel like someone dropped a load of bricks on your chest. There is just no way to prepare.

I entrust it all to the only One who can help. I need help. Always. When the season of unexpected is long, I need even more of His help. I can’t make sense of certain things. What I can do is let Him chisel away at the parts of me that need to go, so not only can I survive, but actually thrive.

bible at sunrise

It’s a special type of thriving. Everything tends to stay “messy” on the outside, but a ray of His light rises up hope inside. He lifts a few of the weights off & I roll out of bed, onto my knees and offer Him the day.

Lord, please use my life for Your glory. May I rest in Your endless mercies. Continue to bring restoration according to Your will. I know there’s a divine purpose for all of this. I trust You, even if I never see the end result.

Eternally His,

Tracy

 

 

Waves

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Recently, I was looking at an old picture of my boys jumping in some waves. When I glance at that picture, I want to scoop up all my kids & run to the only safe place there is. Straight into the arms of Jesus. Proverbs 18:10

Lake Michigan provided the best salt free waves ever. It also produced a lot of angst in my mama heart from the shoreline. I knew the undertow was always a threat to their safety.

Those days seem so long ago. I stared at it for quite awhile remembering how much fun they had. Eventually, I couldn’t see past my tears. One simple picture is a reminder of so much loss.

The baby that was on the beach with me is getting ready to turn sixteen. Each of the boys reached adulthood. All of them experienced life waves that crashed over much harder than any lake ever could. The powerlessness I felt from the shore was nothing compared to how helpless I’ve been to spare my children from the dangers of the world.

It’s funny how as a parent, you think you can protect your kids. Reality is, we’re just as human as they are. I can provide, teach, try to prepare them, and set up safeguards. I can’t actually fully protect anyone. There’s only one Savior & he is the ultimate Protector.

As my faith continued to grow, I realized the best thing I could do for my kids was get on my knees. Two things should happen at the birth of a baby. Parents should be given knee pads for all the praying that’ll take place & little ones should receive a seat belt for the bumps ahead. 

One of the challenges of becoming a believer in my adult years was trying to guide my kids at the same time I was learning. The very ones He entrusted me with & placed in my care are the ones I failed the most. Waves have shown me who’s ways are truly trustworthy.

Pointing them in the right direction meant pointing them to Christ. My trust in Him far outweighs my certainty in anything else. I wish I could say that I did it perfectly, but I was no where near.

My kids had a broken mom…but they had a perfect Savior. I prayed He would fill in all my gaps while they were under my care. There’s only one left in the house now & I’m still broken. On earth, I’ll always be broken. But not Jesus. He is still perfect…forever perfect.

Jesus redeems everything. In His time & in His way. Broken people. Hurts. Losses. All of it. That…my friend…brings me hope.

lake michigan waves

The wave jumping days are memories now. Good ones. If I close my eyes, I can hear the sound of laughter & yells over the roar of the water. I’m grateful for that. When I open my eyes, I see the remains of the reality that was to come. All I can say is…”It is well with my soul.”

Life will always have hidden undertows- in & out of the water. Waves of many sizes will come our way. The Almighty is the only place to find shelter. Psalm 91:1-2  

Rocks & sand collide in the turmoil of waves, and create smooth objects. It’s an image of being refined. We can experience deep pain as each wave rolls over us. The end result is a transformation that has His fingerprints all over it. We’re being made new.

None of us can stop waves. What we can do is call out to Him, reach up & grab his mighty hand! He’s right there in the midst!

Praising Him,

Tracy