I’ve mentioned before that grief can come forward in a unexpected  second. I had one of those moments at church today. There are a few hymns that my sons used to play in their first years of music. It was always a special sound to my ears listening to them practice over & over.

Now those same hymns are both a time of comfort & a stab of grief. It was only right that a couple of those were sung at Jacobs memorial service. When my church service includes one of them as part of worship, well that’s when I struggle to hold composure.

Inside I’m going back in time to the sweet memories in my heart of hearing them practice. Then the image of Jacobs body laying in a casket rips the ground right out from under me. There I stand, trying to hold back tears.

I wonder how many hear a hymn that sparks something inside of them. The church pews are full of hurts & healings. You never know all of someone’s story. They can be standing there & maybe they aren’t singing & maybe, just maybe, it’s because that hymn has taken them somewhere else.

I can look around & see the shells of the people around me. However, I can’t see inside. Just like no one can see inside of me. Jesus…he CAN & does see all. Unlike any other, he also understands all that’s going on inside. Turn to Him. There is no safer place to lay your hurts.

Blessings,

Tracy

Enough time has gone by that I am able to do a little reflecting about fall 2011. I don’t remember every detail & there are some areas that are a blur. There is a part of me that wishes I had written a few specific things down but I’m not sure I could have.

I can be driving down the road & it will hit me. I can be sound asleep & it will hit me. I can be in the shower & it will hit me. It’s part of who I am.

I’m thankful. Crazy, isn’t it….saying something like that. What I’m thankful for is the God who loves me. There were many times that I was present & I knew I was but I was watching myself go through the motions. It was as if I was in the audience of my own life. I knew I was speaking but yet I felt like I was watching myself speak. Does that make sense? Here is my take on it. God knew & knows how much I could & can handle. The shock state I was in was a protection. Do you know the thing I’m most thankful for in that? He allowed me to feel all that grief & every awful emotion imaginable in pieces. Little bits at a time.

I honestly think I would have been crushed. Not only did my son die that day but my other son was fighting for his life. There was 2 of them in that truck that morning. Two. My first born twins. I will never be able to explain in words. I was literally split wide open. A separation occurred. Half of me went into the grave with my son & stayed behind in a ICU waiting room.

The other half was picked up by Christ. Lovingly carried & contantly tended to. He is the only one who knew how to repair me. I’m scarred over with His hope, grace, comfort, forgiveness, patience, understanding & love. Who I once was is not who I am now.

When I became a believer, I was no longer the lost soul.  My sin was nailed to the cross. Jesus took my punishment & died a horrible death to save me. Then with His nail scarred hands, the ones that are scarred for me, he cared for me. Oh what a truth to take in.

He knows. He knows everything. I can’t allow myself to go into the pit of why. I stand on the valley of what. What does God want from my life after 2011. What is His will & plan. I look to the mountains of when. I trust, wait & wonder on when His complete plan for my life will be revealed.

I’m pretty sure there’s some transforming continuing to happen. Needed growth in me before I’m able to see glimpses of the what & when. My new daily motto is Release & Trust! I’ve dabbled in both of them before. Now I’m trying to do it at the same time!!!!

May you feel His presence & comfort,

Tracy

I have times when I think about friendships often.  This is one of those times.

There’s a lot to be said about friendship. Life is always about growing & changing.  Our goal on earth is to become more like Christ. That takes study time in the Word & lots and lots of prayer time. It’s also crucial to have solid, sold out to Jesus friends.

The one thing I’ve learned over the years is that friendships have seasons. Friends come & friends go. It’s a very rare gift when you are blessed with a lifer. Someone that you are friends with your entire earthy life. Rare indeed.

I’ve also come to understand why there are seasons. God knows exactly who you will need at each moment in your life. He surrounds you with just the right friends at just the right time.

There are types of friendships too. You can have friends, good friends & a few deep friendships. There are friends that can drain you & ones that can build you up.

Proverbs 13:20

You know without a doubt when you click with someone. There is no need to force anything. The friendship automatically flourishes & grows. Those are times of sweet blessings.

Accountability is important to me. It’s a hard thing to find. The world is full of people that are so busy that investing in friendship, really investing, is no longer a priority. Trust is a big one for me too. I need to be able to completely trust my friends.

There’s nothing worse than having friends & still feeling lonely. I’ve experienced times like that. That’s when it’s so important to cling to Jesus. He is always near. He always has time for you. There is no greater love than His!

Can I tell ya something? I have been blessed with a few deep, true friendships. It’s a life changer. I thank God for orchestrating it all. He knew who I would need when. He did! I’m so grateful.

I already mentioned to you that I think about friendship. Here is what I consider to be one of those gem friendships:

Someone who is invested & has time for you. Someone that is willing to speak truth to you. Someone that encourages you with scripture. Someone who trusts you enough to share everything that is going on in their life. Someone you can trust to hold a confidence. Someone who will pray for you.  Someone who does not have you on a time table when tragedies hit. Someone who knows what your looks mean. Someone who encourages you to use your God given gifts for Kingdom work. Someone who is honest-all the way-no holding back. Someone who helps you sort through things biblically. Someone who is there.

Proverbs 17:17 & 18:24

I think about the friends I’ve had, the ones I have & the ones to come. I pray that I am the type of friend that is pleasing to the Lord.

I hope you have a good friend. I hope you have someone you can trust & share with. This world is full of too many lonely people. If you need a friend, can I encourage you to pray one up? Seek the Lord, share your burden & prayerfully ask him to bless you with a friend.

Saved by His Grace,

Tracy