Enough time has gone by that I am able to do a little reflecting about fall 2011. I don’t remember every detail & there are some areas that are a blur. There is a part of me that wishes I had written a few specific things down but I’m not sure I could have.

I can be driving down the road & it will hit me. I can be sound asleep & it will hit me. I can be in the shower & it will hit me. It’s part of who I am.

I’m thankful. Crazy, isn’t it….saying something like that. What I’m thankful for is the God who loves me. There were many times that I was present & I knew I was but I was watching myself go through the motions. It was as if I was in the audience of my own life. I knew I was speaking but yet I felt like I was watching myself speak. Does that make sense? Here is my take on it. God knew & knows how much I could & can handle. The shock state I was in was a protection. Do you know the thing I’m most thankful for in that? He allowed me to feel all that grief & every awful emotion imaginable in pieces. Little bits at a time.

I honestly think I would have been crushed. Not only did my son die that day but my other son was fighting for his life. There was 2 of them in that truck that morning. Two. My first born twins. I will never be able to explain in words. I was literally split wide open. A separation occurred. Half of me went into the grave with my son & stayed behind in a ICU waiting room.

The other half was picked up by Christ. Lovingly carried & contantly tended to. He is the only one who knew how to repair me. I’m scarred over with His hope, grace, comfort, forgiveness, patience, understanding & love. Who I once was is not who I am now.

When I became a believer, I was no longer the lost soul.  My sin was nailed to the cross. Jesus took my punishment & died a horrible death to save me. Then with His nail scarred hands, the ones that are scarred for me, he cared for me. Oh what a truth to take in.

He knows. He knows everything. I can’t allow myself to go into the pit of why. I stand on the valley of what. What does God want from my life after 2011. What is His will & plan. I look to the mountains of when. I trust, wait & wonder on when His complete plan for my life will be revealed.

I’m pretty sure there’s some transforming continuing to happen. Needed growth in me before I’m able to see glimpses of the what & when. My new daily motto is Release & Trust! I’ve dabbled in both of them before. Now I’m trying to do it at the same time!!!!

May you feel His presence & comfort,

Tracy