Category Archives: Uncategorized

Dear me,

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I know this may seem impossible to believe, but you are dearly loved and treasured by God. He chose you as His very own.

I want to share with you that Jesus is very real. You have a heavenly Father who sees you, a Savior who saves you, and a Holy Spirit that never abandons you. God will rescue you. You are safe in His care.

I wish I could tell you the journey will be easy, but it won’t. Please hear me- you never quit. You learn that His strength is yours.

You learn.

You lose…a lot.

You hurt.

You get hurt.

You will never be able to imagine what you’ll walk through. Remember what I said, you- me…we don’t give up. The Jesus you have no idea about right now will find you. He has known you forever.

We may never know why, but despair and sorrow is what’s ahead for us. I know this sounds scary, but I promise you learn what refining fire is. You will learn, hands on, what real faith is. What endurance, perseverance, and steadfastness is.

I want to tell you what not to do to save you from so many bad choices. I want to tell you what doesn’t work. But, it’s from the destructive behaviors that you gain a knowing you need, and an understanding of what patterns must be broken. I wish there was another way.

You will be hurt and you’ll hurt others. There are some choices you’ll make that will cause a root of shame and regret to sprout. A critical spirit and bitterness will make their home in you. The good news is you become very aware and work at changing it. It doesn’t happen as fast as you want, but it does come. You will realize you need to surrender it to the Lord. He is the only One who can dig those out.

You will have idols that He demolishes. Gratitude will deepen from that. The definitions you have now for many words will completely change. Thankfulness is one of them!

Our life will be so out of control that you’ll try to control whatever you can to feel safe. You will learn that you can only control you and your choices.

This may all sound hopeless and you’ll feel hopeless, but you will discover what true hope is. Hope is a person and His name is Jesus. Hope becomes one of your favorite words.

Anchor into the God of protection and refuge as I tell you the rest. Just say those words out loud- He will hear you.

You will experience abuse, addiction, betrayal, neglect, abandonment, deceit, unforgiveness, not having a voice, being misportrayed, rejection, and loss. So much loss.

You will lose friendships…and gain them. You will lose grandparents that loved you and taught you so much…and tuck that in close for comfort. You will only hear a heartbeat of one of your babies…and you’ll be blessed with more. I’ll let the genders be a surprise.

You will have a season of time that you’ll treasure with them- your flaws and all. Then, you’ll lose pieces of your heart as you go through tragedy, death, estrangement, and distancing. As of today’s date you will have grandchildren you love dearly and sadly some of them you’ve never met.

Mother’s Day will go from homemade cards and breakfasts to a day that brings a fresh cup of sadness. The memories of what was will try to steal your joy. But, you will have already learned joy is Jesus only You.

You will lose your marriage…and get it back again. You will finally be given tools that work. Wait and it will come!

You will lose your health and work hard at getting it back. You will learn so much about how to be your best health advocate. Guess what? You will say goodbye to doritos and pepsi!

The Lord will redeem and restore so very much. It will look different than the fairy tale tv family you dreamed about. You’ll learn those are actors and not real families.

He will place you in organizations and ministries where you’ll meet some amazing people. He will bring those who see you for you and not your past.

One day you’ll become vulnerable, take your testimony and all you’ve been through and use that to help others.

You’ll hunger and thirst for His Word in a life saving way. You will grow closer and closer to your Healer. Trauma therapy will come and you’ll go with Jesus to those deep buried places and watch as He places His healing touch on areas you thought would never be.

I won’t lie to you, there isn’t one step ahead that will be easy. There will be times you can barely stand and He will carry you. He will wipe every tear and love you through every wound. He will reach down and pull you up out of the pit.

Your heart will shatter into a million pieces. You will scramble to pick them up only to have them fall through your fingers. You will cry from the depths of your very soul. You will have soul wounds. Take courage- His wounds will shadow over yours and bring relief you never knew existed.

You will live a life polar opposite of your plans. You will watch dreams disappear.

You will learn what real safety is, and it’s value. You will discover your true identity as His adopted daughter. You will see what matters in life. You will stay steady in Jesus even at the risk of more loss.

The world doesn’t exactly become like the Jetson’s, it takes a much worse turn. The road to Revelation is another very real thing. The bible is real. You will discern what is real and what isn’t. Stay so very close to His Word. You’ll have favorite verses that fill you and minister to you.

You will absolutely love praise and worship music. Yes- you actually raise your hands. Right now you have no idea what that means, but you will!

You will lean into your Creator to get through each day. Oh the love He has for you. We will forever be a work in progress. There is still so much change to be had.

Today, the Friday before Mother’s Day 2023 ( I know- 2023…mind blowing, right?) you are facing a Mother’s Day solo for the first time. Please hear my heart, your heart….even in the sadness you still praise Him! Even in the grief you still love Him! Even in the disbelief you trust Him! Even more than you could ever imagine.

You know, without a doubt, that you are not really alone. The Holy Spirit is right here! You…myself…are standing on the promises and in His victory over the battles. Even if we never see the outcome- He wins.

You’ve already started praying for all the hurting people out there who struggle with this very same day. The ones who feel unseen, have a thousand unanswered questions, are aching so badly inside that they just don’t know which way to turn. The ones who cry in secret, hiding their pain and yet hoping someone will realize it’s there. So many people. So many tear stained pillows. You pray they feel His love and tender care.

Me, could you pause and pick some flowers for anyone you can think of. There just might be someone back there that is waiting to be noticed.

He loves you, He loves you, He loves you,

Love, me

A bird

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I’d like to tell you a little life lesson I learned from a bird awhile back.

I was doing some yard work in late spring and I had my back to a tree. I was focused on what was in front of me and technically walking backward straight into the tree. If that makes any sense at all!

A bird flew over my head, a bit too close for my comfort. Before I knew it, that bird was going back and forth letting me know I needed to get out of that space.

There may have been a few screams 😉 OK, I screamed. I’ve been swooped at by many birds over the years and I’m not a fan. I quickly moved out of the way and got a better look at why the bird was warning me.

There it was- a baby bird hopping around on the ground, flapping it’s wings and getting a little momentum. I was smack dab in the middle of a flying lesson. Worse yet, I was seen as an object of danger.

I immediately had empathy for the bird. It was protecting its young while it was learning how to survive. The main focus of that parent bird was to do whatever it could to protect its little one in training. In that season, the bird was the protector while the baby was vulnerable.

That scene has stuck with me ever since.

I could so relate to that bird. It took me back to the years that my own kids were small. I wanted to protect them while they were learning. I wanted a safe space for them to master survival skills.

If only it was as easy as swooping down on dangers. I would have loved a roped off construction site, but that’s not how life works.

It took me far too long to realize that my role as a parent was only to guide and teach about all the dangers. I couldn’t fully protect anyone. I wanted to tuck them under my wing…but that’s something I don’t have.

I could never do enough, be enough, love enough, want enough to create the perfectly safe environment I longed for my kids to have. It’s just not humanly possible.

There is only one perfect Protector and Defender and eventually I learned to release them into his hands.  Psalm 91 is a comforting passage of scripture that talks about divine shelter. Verse 4 goes like this, “He will cover you with his feathers; you will take refuge under his wings. His faithfulness will be a protective shield.” 

As parents we teach, guide and release. Yes, there will be dangers. Dangers none of us can stop. That’s why teaching and guiding is important. Children don’t automatically know not to touch a pot handle on the stove. They don’t know not to go by a running tub or a bucket of water. They have no idea that climbing up or being on top of furniture is dangerous. They don’t know about electrical outlets, cars, parking lots, wells, strangers, poison, farm equipment, pools, chainsaws, safety around animals, hornet nests, cliff edges, the dangers of wandering away in a crowd, the dangers of electricity and water, ropes, necklaces, large food pieces, fireworks, internet dangers…I could go on and on. Do you see how much they don’t know? They just don’t know. They have to be taught. 

I’ve watched so many parents yell at their kids for doing something dangerous. All the while, smack dab in the center is an assumption that they would automatically know. Telling and teaching are two very different things. The day of release will happen and if there are gaps in the learning and guiding then it’ll be a very rough flight for them.

I know there is no way to escape all the dangers in life. You and I can’t make the world safe. There will always be accidents and individual choices that are out of our control. Teaching them Who their ultimate protector is will help them in so many ways.

That bird showed me there comes a time when we stand at a distance. First we’re pretty close and we’re right there as danger approaches. Then we move further and further away. Entrusting them to the One who has their days in His hands. 

Parenting transitions from being very actively nearby to praying from afar.

Please hear me…there is nothing easy about the release. Regret, heartache, shame, what if’s, could have’s, maybes, should be’s, why’s, not yet’s all show up at the door when each child steps out on their own. The welcome mat you have outside is not for any of that so refuse it. It can quickly become the unwelcomed guest that stays too long. Don’t open the door!

Trust that the gear you gave them is a good start. They need to gather the rest of their flight supplies themselves. They need to rely on their Savior more than they ever relied on you. 

I wish I could tell you letting go is surrounded with promises of safe. You know I can’t, because it’s not. I can’t even tell you how many times others have shared they’re afraid what’s happened to me will be a reality for them if they fully release their children. Oh friend, there’s no peace in that thinking.

We can’t forever frantically swoop over dangers that get too close to our kids. Knowing Who’s children they really are is important. We have them for a time. To teach, to guide and to fully surrender to the Lord. 

Life happens in seasons. If this is your season of release then open your heart and both hands and let go. The same One who will be with them is also with you. Trust Him, even with all the unknowns and unplanned. Trust.

Resting in the waiting,

Tracy

Every house

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Each house we drive by has a story unfolding inside. The chapters belong to the faces of whoever lives inside those walls. None of us knows exactly what’s happening as we blindly drive by.

It’s the girl walking down the road in her pajamas with a bloodied face and beaten up spirit.

It’s the eyes you lock with that show more raw emotion than you ever thought possible.

It’s the teen trying so hard to hide what’s happening behind closed doors. The addiction that has them trapped, but they have no idea how to crawl out of the shackle of shame.

It’s the person who grabs one more carton of ice cream and chokes it down to ease the pain inside….or the one refusing to eat at all because it’s the only thing they can control.

It’s the little child who cringes at voices. The one who’s quiet in a crowd. Over looked. Full of fear. Learning to lie to survive and even worse….starting to believe the lies about themselves.

It’s the overwhelmed mom in the store screaming at her kids. Lashing out at the wrong people for hurt someone else caused.

It’s the man in the middle of the intersection who hops out of his car to start screaming at the person behind him. A once little boy turned into a bully full of rage.

It’s the family wondering where their next meal will come from or how they’ll pay the stack of bills on the counter.

It’s the one crying in the bathroom as they harm themselves. Or looking at another negative pregnancy test…or another positive one.

It’s the one who hides in the closest trying to find a safe place to be.

It’s the addict who looks at all their pill bottles, consumed with the thought of how they can get more. How many more surgeries can they safely have. How many more doctors can they see before someone starts to connect the dots.

It’s the picture perfect family with the terrible secret. They really don’t resemble a family at all. The silence is piercing. The emotional abuse is suffocating.

It’s the one all alone.

It’s the house full of joyful drinking. But the drinks are no longer an option. Lives are being controlling by them.

It’s the one who acts like they’re strong, but they know what others don’t. Words and actions don’t match.

It’s the freedom fighter who isn’t really free themselves.

It’s the one who can barely crawl out of bed some days. The pain is too much. Everyone else is to blame for how they got there. They are trapped in their own reality.

It’s the grieving soul. Struggling to make it through the next minute. Shattered. Lost. Broken.

It’s the one who never follows through. There’s been no growth in years. Just excuses. The mountain of lies took years to build.

It’s the overworked. Striving for some false type of success that is never achieved. Ten years go by. Then twenty. And five more. The work never stopped and now there’s no time left.

It’s the one wondering why no one sees what’s happening.

It’s the person burying all their hurt. They feel like they have to or it will swallow them when in fact it already has.

It’s the one who bought into the hustle mentality. Seeing each person as a potential prospect. Frantic from one month to the next trying to reach quotas and missing out on genuine relationships and the very people around them.

It’s the one left with only photos to look at.

It’s the person who can’t take one more empty apology…or never gets one at all.

It’s the person who is always the victim. Always suffering at the hands of others. Always giving themselves permission to stay right where they’re at.

It’s the one reading their diagnosis for the tenth time. Hoping somehow someway, if they stare at it long enough it’ll change.

It’s the parent who’s overtaken with grief. They haven’t seen their child in years and have to face that they may never again. Or… they stand beside a grave marked with the name they chose for their child. And it just doesn’t seem real.

It’s the one who knows scripture but won’t let it transform them.

It’s the person always taking care of everyone else as they continue to weaken from lack of self care.

It’s the one saying I’ll get to that tomorrow, but tomorrow never comes.

It’s the one full of fear and anxiety trying to make it through each day. Stuck in the cycle of trying the same thing over and over.

It’s one the who still hears the taunting voices of others twenty years later. The one who let their identity become what others falsely claimed.

It’s the one who never got to say goodbye.

It’s the one curled in a ball praying with all their might.

It’s the one who just can’t take anymore. The one who’s tried to save her family and lost herself in the process. The one seeking answers, any answers. Something to make all this stop.

It’s the one who’s always right. So right that they’ve pushed everyone away.

It’s the one who can’t out run, or exercise away the ache inside.

It’s the tear stained pillows.

It’s the hardened hearts.

It’s the spouse left with once was while they face what is.

It’s the abuse cycle being passed down from one generation to the next.

It’s the person sitting in the chair. Frozen. Wondering how this could have happened.

It’s the one trying to start over. Trying to put back the pieces of their life.

It’s the one experiencing horrific things that no person ever should.

It’s the one who’s lost all hope, and has no one who’ll listen.

It’s the person who was so hurt by their church that they now blame God.

Every house, every person has a story. Cars may sit outside. Toys may be in the yard. But inside things are happening that no one sees.

Thankfully there are many houses where things are ok inside. My fear is there are too many where things aren’t. How often do we miss what needs to be seen.

It’s easy to head to our next destination with schedules and activities on our minds. What if during all that busyness we paused and took time to pray for every house we drove past.

You never know how badly someone inside might need it!

And if you’re one of the unseen…I’m so sorry. Do you know how I could write these potential scenarios? Because I’ve lived at a few of these addresses. And the one thing I want you to hear is this- there really is a God who loves you and sees you. He is very near. Circumstances won’t always make sense, but He can be trusted. In my hardest moments is when I feel His deepest love.

If you need help please reach out. You don’t have to suffer in silence.

Wrapped in His grace,

Tracy

Healing hope

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There are days I barely recognize my life. This wasn’t the picture I had in my mind all those years ago when my kids were small. Things were never perfect, but we had a rhythm that was at a minimum predictable. Until it wasn’t and the unraveling began.

There are times when no matter how hard you try to keep all the pieces together they just won’t fit. Some fall to the ground, some get lost and some fray along the edges.

I think as females we try to hold everything together, but our arms get so full we just can’t do it. We believe the lie that we’ve failed instead of understanding we are limited in our human capabilities.

I thought if I just tried harder or a different way that eventually things would get better. I could see my efforts coming up pretty empty, and I prayed for the Lord to fill in the gaps that were being left.

I’ve always struggled with “not good enough” thinking. I thought if I did enough then I could be enough. In being enough I would be accepted as enough. It’s a crazy circle of enough. One that never stops spinning. All of it was so far from the truth. More importantly, it couldn’t have been further from His Truth.

None of us can ever be good enough. That’s why we need Him. If my identity is in my roles or tasks, then it’s terribly misplaced. My identity has everything to do with Him and nothing to do with me. If I don’t live out my days from that true identity, I’ll always feel like I’m falling short.

You know….it’s funny, looking back I never really had a vision too far ahead in the future. I’ve been taking it day by day for years. Oh, trust me, I had ideals and dreams…but I kept those tucked away in a safe place.

Maybe you know that place. Where no one else can crush or sabotage your dream.

I kept them neatly arranged right next to the Lord. He knew every single one. What I didn’t do was pray about each of them. They were my thoughts and things I hoped for, but not things I sought His direction with.

When some of those things started falling apart, I realized just because He let me put them there didn’t mean He was holding them in his care. They weren’t part of His plan. They were part of mine.

In the blink of an eye the day by day has become years gone by. Back then days felt so long. Now years feel incredibly short.

I can’t make human sense out of a lot of what happens. This is what I do know…every generation makes choices that effect the next. Each person’s choices impacts others. And wounds will be present.

Sicknesses, tragedies, abandonment, death, accidents, addictions, abuse, losses, all the unplanned are rarely seen as a reality on the horizon. When they hit it causes a shattering.

As awful as those things are I can tell you it was in those places where I learned the most about changes I needed to make. Each and every one took away more of me so there could be more of Him. And it still is, because refining never ends.

Verses like 2 Corinthians 5:17 and Colossians 3:1-4 lead me back to the thoughts I need to have in my mind. Thoughts that bring life, not death.

None of us can force someone else to see, own and make needed changes. We can’t stop accidents or disease from happening. We can’t undo what someone else has done. We can’t be the glue that holds everything together….but there is One who can.

In the midst of all the hurt is healing hope. His wounds ushered in healing for all.

I may never see restoration in some areas, but that doesn’t mean it’s not possible. There is nothing beyond His reach. Nothing and no one.

Some days I open my eyes and am exhausted before the day even starts. My mind races with “how long, Lord, how long.” I can’t tell you how many times my morning bible study and devotions hit right at the core of my weariness. He meets me right where I’m at.

Other days I’m able to start out with a heart of gratitude.

I wish I could tell you I anticipated each day and had eyes immediately ready to see all the blessings. Right now those days are on the rare side as I sit in the waiting. What I haven’t done is give up. I know with each new day comes a fresh filling of mercy that gifts me with His guidance and help for my thinking.

“Wait for the Lord; be strong, and let your heart be courageous. Wait for the Lord.” Psalm 27:14

Jesus willingly endured the cross to make all things right. There was pain and heartache. And suffering. Because of what He did I’m able to get through pain and heartache. And suffering.

Psalm 121

If you are surrounded by circumstances that have you heavy laden please don’t give up. He is the God of all hope and he’s right by your side!

Romans 15:13 “Now may the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you believe so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.” (CSB)

I know it can feel hard to find hope when so much heaviness is surrounding you. My prayer for you is that you’ll find comfort in His word and in his presence.

“Come to me, all of you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take up my yoke and learn from me, because I am lowly and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.” Matthew 11:28-30

I don’t know if you’ve ever seen a yoke in action but if both animals don’t move together it doesn’t work. They have to go in the same direction and speed. One can’t get in front of the other or there’s no momentum. It’s the same if one pulls, lags behind or turns their head. There must be a unison effort. A more experienced animal is paired with one that needs direction and guidance.

Guess who needs direction and guidance? Yep, I’m the girl with her hand raised! When I try to go ahead of Jesus, do things in my own effort or take off in a different way I lack His peace and rest.

Those verses are incredibly personal and specific. Jesus knows we will be heavy laden and weary and invites us to come. To come to Him. We don’t have to walk alone. The world is a hard place to be. We can yoke with Him and he will help us make it through.

I want to learn from Him in the waiting. I need to learn from Him. If you’re in the waiting there’s space for you right next to me. We can wait and learn together.

Because He lives you and I can make it through today and face tomorrow. Never forget that! All Because He lives!

Resting with Jesus,

Tracy

Divinely beautiful

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I sat down to do my morning bible study time. I woke up early and had a plan! Get my prayer time in, oils on, look for a song I heard on the Christian radio station, read some scripture, and share with my small group.

Then…I hit a destined detour.

Isn’t that how things can so often go? Our plans get halted and we come face to face with something we need to see.

Dwelling on the past isn’t the same as facing where we’ve been.

The song I looked up was My Jesus, and honestly, I had no idea what the back story was. I watched the lyric video first. Intrigued…I watched the official video. It was all I could do to finish. Mid song I saw a reflection of myself on my laptop screen.

My own sorrow was looking straight back at me. It’s crazy how time doesn’t soften the pain that surrounds grief. It’s an actual physical hurt. One that makes you feel like your chest is about to explode.

The shattered pieces of my heart were connecting with the story of the song writer. I made my way to her video testimony where she describes what the song is rooted in.

I’m so grateful I had a little scripture in me. It’s the strength I need for unexpected moments like this.

Many of us have “Jacob’s”. The circumstances surrounding our pile of ashes may be different, but each of us walk with remnants of ash on our feet.

The beauty of the Lord that rises up is found in the writing of words. In the singing of songs. In the drawing of pictures.

In our places of Jacob you will find authentic pain being used to tell of the hope that is only found in Christ.

There comes a time when we look down and see the trail of ashes behind us. Our footprints mix in with ashes from another. We recognize it. We hurt for them. And we look up, to the Guider of our steps and lift our praise.

Not for the tragedy, but for the undeniable presence of the Comforter. The One who is sweeping up the ashes, and collecting every tear to create something beautiful. A beauty not always seen by the world. A divine beauty where His scars lay overtop ours.

It’s a beauty no money can buy. It’s found in the real. The places others are afraid of. The places we never chose, but were handed.

Being divinely beautiful has a purpose.

It’s to show the next Jacob’s that you really can breathe again. That hope takes on a new name. That our days become His days. With our hands lifted high a pause button gets pushed, then we see. And we shift our hands out…to embrace the broken soul headed our way.

The one that doesn’t need to hear any words at all. The one who looks into our eyes and knows we see the start of their divine beauty.

Rising Up,

Tracy

Willing to see

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Many months have passed since I hit the publish button on here. I didn’t know then what I would be facing in a few short weeks. So many things have been flipped upside down.

Has time slipped through your fingers too? Has one month turned into six or even a year?

I think about writing all the time (aahh…here come the tears). I can barely strap myself in fast enough before the crash happens. Too much, too fast. Too much, too fast. I just hang on for dear life and wait until it’s safe enough to unlatch….but is it ever really.

I’ve spent a lot of time reading since December. Have you ever had books come across your path at just the right time? Books that speak to a season you’re walking through? Words that breathe life back into your weary soul. That’s where I’ve been. On a journey of words reaching areas that I thought no one else could relate to or understand.

Words that caught me off guard as they intersected with the dusty road I was on. Words from one hurt filled traveler to another. Words that pointed me back to the Source of all hope. Words written by others who saw me on the ground and reached out their hands to help me back up. Those words.

Tomorrow I’ll be fifty-two. I was chatting with the Lord last night about my writing. And the night before…and many more before that. He’s the most gentle Father I could ever imagine. He doesn’t shame me for not doing what I know I should do. He continues to lay on my heart the importance of why He wants me to do what He’s asked me to do…and lets me choose if I’ll obey.

I think much of my life has been happening in a state of overwhelmed. I try to hide it, but I know it’s there. He knows it’s there. It’s from that place of overwhelmed that I freeze. I just try to make it through each day. Then the next. And the next. Before I realize it, I’m hours away from turning another year older.

Lately, I’ve been imagining meeting the Lord. My fear is that in my state of frozen I’ll miss my purpose. I’ll look into those loving eyes of His and he’ll already recognize the sorrow he sees when he asks me, “Did you use the gifts and talents I gave you?” And I’ll barely be able to speak with tears streaming down my face….”no, my King”. There won’t be any excuses whispered from my mouth because no is all that matters. He’ll grab me and hug me fully, like I’ve always longed to be hugged.

You see, His love for me doesn’t change if I don’t use the talents he’s gifted me. What happens is I miss out on so much that He prepared me for…and prepared for me. I miss out, not Him. And I don’t want to miss out anymore.

So….here’s to walking away from what doesn’t serve me. Overwhelmed, fear, frozen, doubt, hurt, excuses, apathy, negativity, even sickness- you’re not welcome. You don’t get anymore of my years.

Apart from the Father, Jesus, the Holy Spirit, and His Word there is no hope! The trials and challenges that happen are potential hope stealers.

“I have told you these things so that in me you may have peace. You will have suffering in this world. Be courageous! I have conquered the world.” John 16:33 (CSB)

“You will seek me and find me me when you search for me with all your heart.” Jeremiah 29:13 (CSB)

I’m ready to see beautiful again. To abide in Him. To welcome each new day with anticipation and expectation. To set my table with His daily bread and Fruit of the Spirit.

Come on, sweet sister, there’s a chair for you too.

Earnestly seeking Him,

Tracy

An empty tree

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I haven’t experienced the dread of Christmas ornaments in quite awhile.

It caught me off guard.

Like many people this year, we were ready to bring out our holiday decorations early. We needed a ray of hope after months of Michigan shut down & worldly tension.

All the decorations went up easily & our house started to look a little brighter. Then, it was time for the tree. My daughter helped me carry it upstairs & put it together. Seeing the lights come on made all the hard work worth it.

That’s when the feeling from years past swept over me, and grief threatened to swallow me. I just never know when triggers will come. I looked at those ornament boxes & knew.

I couldn’t do it this year.

I stacked the boxes by the tree and there they stayed. Every time I thought about decorating the tree all the waves of emotion would crash in.

I went through this the first few years after losing Jake. Then, again, four years ago when a family member walked out of our lives.

You see…inside those boxes are symbols of loss. Once, they were memories & some years they are still tender memories…but this year…this whole 2020 thing. This year is a different kind of raw.

Do you feel it too?

2020 has been very revealing. Values have been exposed. Some families have gotten closer and others have watched as their cracks of brokenness grew wider. There’s something about hard times that pull people together or tear people apart.

Sadly, we aren’t one of the families that grew closer, and I’m guessing that’s the root of the struggle for me with this years tree.

The enemy tries to use our reality to get us to believe his lies. Just because I hurt doesn’t mean the Lord has abandoned me.

“I have told you all this so that you may have peace in me. Here on earth you will have many trials and sorrows. But take heart, because I have overcome the world.” John 16:33 (NLT)

Every night as I turned on the tree, I appreciated the beauty of it’s bareness. The glistening & shining lights reminded me of how we’re called to be lamps on a lampstand.

“No one lights a lamp and puts it under a basket, but rather on a lampstand, and it gives light for all who are in the house. In the same way, let your light shine before others, so that they may see your good works and give glory to your Father in heaven.” Matthew 5:15-16 (CSB)

One thing that has happened for me in 2020 is a strengthening…a deeper reliance on Christ and continued spiritual growth. He always brings good out of bad…I just have to have eyes to see it.

The day finally came… I told Jaelynn it was time to decorate the tree. I opened the first box & crumbled. Through my tears I chocked out that I just couldn’t do it.

Do you know what happened? That precious girl sorted all those ornaments. She laid out all the “safe” ornaments & tucked away the ones from Christmas past.

In that moment I felt weak. The truth is I am. My strength ended long ago. I only make it through each day because of His strength. It’s OK that she sees when I can’t…it’s then that she sees Who can.

After we finished decorating we both agreed we liked it more bare…and next year we just might stick with some berry sprigs & plain wooden ornaments.

For now, it’s one day at a time. His plans are not my plans. His ways are not my ways. I’m seeking to live a surrendered, anchored-in life. Like a bare tree…exposed, but shining brightly.

I’m fresh into a new book, Forgiving What You Can’t Forget, by Lysa Terkeurst. I’d like to share two paragraphs from the companion journal that stuck out to me last night…

“The painful event in your life has the potential to darken all of your memories related to it. But it doesn’t have to. In reality, your memories are a mix of delightful and awful, and you get to choose what you do with them. Beautiful or painful, they are all your own authentic experience.”

“If we want something different, we can try to do something different. The very idea of that shines a bit of light and hope into our souls. For now, we will hold onto two truths: all is not lost, and while the pain can certainly refine us, it does not have to define us.”

Maybe you’re in a place of pain right now. Can I offer you some hope? No matter what is going on around us, God is very much in control. Our lives might not look anything like what we planned, but there is purpose in it all….even when it doesn’t make sense.

Will you join me in laying down all the unknowns, and lift your hands high to the One who does know?

Jesus loves us so much that He willingly died in our place. He was persecuted, mocked & beaten. He suffered so we could be free. I don’t know about you, but that drops me to my knees. What I deserve, He took instead.

Even in this ever changing world, there is an unchanging Savior. That is where true hope lies, my friend. Right there. His mercies are new every single morning.

Come…let us adore Him!

Wrapped in His grace,

Tracy

Time stands still

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Loss has a way of changing everything.

For years, time flew by in a frenzy of things that seemed important in the moment. Seconds turned into minutes that turned into hours, days & years.

Many things had value and tucked memories deep into my heart.

But…if I’m honest, I also wasted precious time on things that just didn’t matter that much at all.

There’s the funny thing about time. It’s gone in a vapor & doesn’t stop for anyone. It doesn’t care about the value of how we spend it. The clock just keeps ticking.

I can tell you, there are seasons when it feels like time stops.

Grief. Loss. Tragedy.

For me it was a phone call. Years later…an unexpected letter.

The hands on the clock seemed to stop turning, and I desperately wanted to turn them back.

Eventually, I could hear the ticking of the clock again…but my reality became an unplanned, unexpected existence.

In the middle of what I never saw coming was my Savior…a shelter…hiding place…an anchor.

I want you to know…if it feels like your clock has stopped moving, and the world is rushing by all around you…I’ve been there too. Loss has a way of forever changing some things.

It ushers in different. A different perspective. A different way.

Please…don’t ever forget how precious time is. The moment we have is right now. We can use it for His glory if we shift what we treasure.

I may not understand all that happens in this world, but I do know it’s temporary. This earth is not my home.

I’m here to praise Him…even in the storms…especially in the storms.

Psalm 145

Dear friend, if you’re like me and are living days in a life you barely recognize…run to Him. He is enough. He is the way, the truth and what real life is all about.

He came down to save us and help us get back home!

Forever His,

Tracy

#loss #hope #time

Lean

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Can I ask a question?

What do you lean into?

When the push comes that nearly knocks you off your feet. When the life you never expected looks back at you in the mirror. When the unimaginable becomes reality. When the day in and day out struggle is more than you can bear.

Where do you lean?

I find myself having to do a heart check every now again to sort through my own answer to that question.

Of course my quick answer is, “I lean into the Lord”, but do I really as much as I long to and know that I should?

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Life can be a series of trials with some regrouping time in between. Each hard season has the opportunity to refine me if I lean into the right things.

My flesh wants to lean into my opinion, my own understanding, my ideas, my plans, my pain. Sometimes it wants to lean into people and all of their opinions, ideas, plans, and pain.

If I’m honest, that fleshly response seems easier when in reality all I’m doing is taking the long way around to where the Lord is trying to lead me.

If I value anything more than the Lord then my leaning will be toward the wrong thing.

Who I am & Who’s I am needs to be rooted in the Savior…first & foremost…always & forever.

Where I need to lean brings life. I need to lean into God’s Word. I need to lean into His presence. I need to lean into worship. I need to lean into my identity as his chosen daughter.

Psalm 18:1-2 “I love you, Lord, my strength. The Lord is my rock, my fortress, and my deliverer, my God, my rock where I seek refuge, my shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold.”

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From that leaning place is where I’ll be steady enough to face what this world brings. There are moments when my leaning in can look more like a grasping on.

Do you believe that His hand is out to you? Do you trust that He will lift you out of the deep pit? I’m on the other side of this screen telling you- YES- He really truly does. I am living proof that it’s real. You just need to lean His way & lift up your hand.

Even when it seems no one else sees you or understands…He does.

These painful places can strengthen us if we let them. The enemy wants to destroy us. He wants us to lean into the wrong things.

Proverbs 3:5-8 “Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths.
Be not wise in your own eyes; fear the Lord, and turn away from evil. It will be healing to your flesh and refreshment to your bones.”

Do you see what that says? Healing & refreshment!

Friend…this I do know- our God is mighty enough to have the entire world lean into Him. There’s room for you too! How about we both lean together?

Forever Holding onto Hebrews 10:23

Tracy

 

 

 

 

How long

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There I was making dinner, listening to worship music and thinking. Before I knew it the question came rushing back again…

“How long, Lord?”

It’s a question I’ve been asking a lot lately.

I never imagined my life would look like this.

I wonder…have you been there too? It’s a difficult place to be, isn’t it?

Please hear me, I trust & love the Lord deeply. I know He sees what I can’t & can redeem anything. All according to His will and timing.

Knowing that doesn’t mean that I won’t feel pain & frustration. Actually, it’s in the knowing that I experience all the emotions.

When the wave of how longs come in I have to steady myself on the Rock.

How long…

…before relief

…will he stay gone

…until my family is restored

…will the oppression last

…until healing

…do I stay silent

…before this is over

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Oh my friend, the list of how longs has so many possibilities, doesn’t it?

I want to share some hope with you that the Lord shared with me-

Psalm 27 

Psalm 33

Those Psalms are so rich with meaning. Each & every verse spoke to my heart only in the way that He can.

Both of those Psalms ended with an instruction to “wait for the Lord.” He is my blessed hope and I will wait.

In the waiting I need to stay close to Him. It’s the only way I’ll be able to take each next step.

I am gifted by a personal Savior who knows my heart better than I do. He hears the concerns in my thoughts.

And…He takes me right to His Word for answers.

Psalm image

Sometimes the answers don’t come in ways I expect. I want my situation to change and He knows the first change that needs to happen is in my heart.

The enemy wants all the “how longs” to leave me hopeless. My God of hope already has victory over each & every one!

He has walked me through some glorious seasons and some painful ones. There have been valleys, mountaintops and wildernesses. He’s been by my side the entire way. When I start to feel lonely & afraid it’s because I wandered away…He didn’t.

This is the song that was playing when my most recent how long showed up-

More Like Jesus

If more of You
Means less of me
Take everything
Yes, all of You
Is all I need
Take everything

You are my life and my treasure
The one that I can’t live without
Here at your feet my desires and dreams, I lay down
Here at your feet my desires and dreams, I lay down

With hands spread open in front of me I lay down my dreams & plans.

Dear Lord, in the waiting please fill me with more of You. I want You to be the treasure that I seek. Please forgive me. I trust You with whatever outcomes you decide. Please help me rest in Your strength. Use my life for your purposes. I am blessed to be Your agape loved chosen daughter. Please create in me a clean heart and renew a right spirit in me. I am lost without your divine direction. In Jesus precious name I pray…Amen.

If you been asking ‘how long’ please don’t give up hope. God hears. God knows. God cares.

Saved by his grace,

Tracy