5 Years

I can’t believe it’s been 5 years. There is nothing that could have prepared me for that day.

I love to hear the rain hit the window. I’m sitting here listening to it wondering what I can possibly write down that would matter to anyone.

What I can do is pour my thoughts out to the Lord. He is always near & always listening. He knows my words before I hit the keyboard. 5 years.

I miss Jake’s voice…his smile…his laugh. I miss seeing him outside or pulling in the driveway. I miss him.

I missed making things right. I missed saying what I needed to tell him. I missed expressing to him the joy, love & pride of being his mom. I missed asking for forgiveness on where I fell short as a parent. I missed saying goodbye.

I never could have done it justice if given the chance anyway. There wouldn’t have been enough words or time. I never could have said goodbye.

There’s such a difference between miss & missed. One is a longing & the other a regret. I’ve learned to be very careful. I can’t shine His light if I let shame bury me in some nasty pit.

So much has changed even in these 5 years without him. I’m not quite sure what to do with a lot of it. There are many days I just hang on for the ride, trusting the Lord to stay close.

5 years of what?! Trying to find my way…Seeking the Lord for which path he wants me on…Praying like crazy…Stumbling through decisions. Part of me is wondering ‘what have I done with these 5 years’. Another part of me is wondering how in the world I did all that in these 5 years.

There are very few people that truly understand the grief of a mom. I can’t even put words to it. There aren’t even 2 of the same types of grieving moms. I have no one shoe fits all explanation for you.

No mothers’grieve the same way or hurt the same sorrow.

Everyone grieves differently…moms, dads, brothers, sisters, friends, spouses, relatives & church family. There is no right or wrong way & there certainly is no time frame.

5 years of a wounded heart scarred over by His mercy. It started with a massive explosion inside my chest. Each memory  can rip it open at a moments notice. My grieving mama heart silently weeps everyday. This is the new normal.

At the end of the day it’s ok. Do you know why? People may fail me & I may fail people but my God never does. He is my Rock & my strength. Him. 5 years I’ve been clinging to Him!

Philippians 3:20-21

In Christ,

Tracy

#myhope #rootsofhealing #griefandloss #momgrief

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