I mentioned in my last post about having a scarred heart. There are many triggers that can cause the wounds of it to start weeping. One of them is driving by myself. I listen to praise and worship songs all the time. Contemporary Christian music. There’s something about it that comforts, encourages, builds up & gives hope. It can cause me to examine myself as well.

Driving alone is also when my mind goes into over drive. Idle hands means I’ve slowed down long enough for some extra thinking. These are the moments that the Holy Spirit also has an opportunity to have my full attention. I tend to be one that stays busy most of the time.

When my kids were younger there were many bumps, bruises, cuts & scraps. We live in the country so there was lots of outside time. There’s something about seeing your kids hurting. I would have wrapped them in a bubble if I could. Here comes a trigger. Driving. A song on suffering & storms. Images of the accident come in my mind just like that.

I can’t stay there long. I can’t bear to picture my children suffering. Wounded & crushed.

There’s a hurt so deep that it takes over my whole body. Its an actual ache. Its a grief so deep & so wide that it has taken on the shape of a valley with no bottom.  When I think about any accident details or when I’m missing Jacob more than usual, a reality of the realness of it all comes to the surface. I hover over that dark valley. Just hover, but the closeness of it is overwhelming.

This is when my complete trust in Jesus arrives. He never lets me feel more than I can handle. He holds me tighter and reminds me that he is in control. I don’t need all the answers. I just need Him. I now see these as times of growth. My faith is painfully stretched further each time. If I didn’t have the Lord then I would sink.

I only have two choices. I turn & abandon God or I fully commit and walk with Him through this part of my life. He DID NOT & DOES NOT abandon me, ever. I decided a long ago that I wasn’t walking this side of eternity alone. I’ve done that. Its a loneliness & emptiness like no other. Trust me, I tried every worldly thing to fill that void. It doesn’t work. That place is only meant for Jesus. Nothing else fits & fixes. Nothing. When God created me, that spot was roped off for Him. He waited until I figured it out.

Clinging to my hope, Tracy