Its never good when your phone rings at certain hours. The house was quiet. Everyone else was still in bed. I was up getting ready to go pick up the little one that I babysat. The phone started ringing. The early morning phone call that changed my life forever. There was a woman on the other end & she asked for me by name…I remember the oddest details about that day. October 21st, 2011. She said ” Is this Tracy”. I’ve always wondered how she knew my first name.
There are some things I’ll share about that day & some that I don’t. I only talk about my experience. I can tell you what I felt & what I went through as a mom on the day that I lost my son.
Each person in a family unit has their own unique hurt & grief. Everyone processes differently. There is no right or wrong way. No expectations. No time table. The grace God demonstrates to believers is the grace that is needed with each other.
She told me what hospital she represented & I barely heard her. I knew something was wrong. She then told me my sons had been in a bad accident. By then my head was spinning. I asked her if it was serious and she said yes & to hurry. I’m not sure why I asked that question but I did.
The whole drive there felt like years. I was praying. I called some people to ask for prayers but I don’t remember much. Blur took on a whole new meaning. I kept silently praying. I felt God close & thoughts of ‘ I’m here ‘ & ‘ I’m with you ‘ were in my mind. The road was closed in front of us. We had to detour. We were detouring around the scene of my twin sons accident. My boys. I was in a nightmare while being fully awake.
The same lady who had called was waiting for us. Little did I know but she was the assigned trauma specialist to my family.She briefed us quickly on their condition & told us they were both in surgery. We were moved to a waiting room & others were arriving. The waiting room was filling up.
It was all so unsettling. The hushed voices, the loud voices, the room. Something was wrong, wrong, wrong. In my naivety I had no idea what it meant when the surgeon entered the waiting room. He had a nurse on each side of him. Oh, their faces. That look. His words. Its etched in my heart forever.
He was there to tell us he was sorry. He was there to tell us that Jacob didn’t make it.
Time stopped for me. I could hear all the cries & noises around me but it felt like I was separated from it. A few people were hugging me & all I knew was I couldn’t swallow, I couldn’t breathe, I needed to get away. The words of the Dr. were penetrating my heart. It was shattering in a million pieces in my chest. A hurt I had no idea existed. I saw a tiny room & went for it. Inside, alone, I dropped to my knees & cried sounds I’ve never heard before. A type of deep, deep wailing overtook me. Those words had now made it through my whole heart.
Had I not had a Savior I’m not sure what I would have done. I had a husband outside the door. I had another son still in surgery. I had other children still at home that needed to be brought to the hospital & told. I’m assuming it was shock that settled in right about then. I knew what was going on around me but I felt like I was a spectator watching myself go through the motions. That lasted for many days to come.
I was waiting for the next blow. No mom is ever prepared for the death of a child and the reality I once knew was gone. I was watching for the next surgeon to come in & say the same words. Thank you Jesus that those words never came.
The Tracy that woke up that morning no longer existed. Eventually I came to a time of grieving of all that was. My family unit was boxed up, locked & placed on a shelf called “Memories”. There’s me before the accident & there’s me after. A new ‘normal’ started forming from that day on. 3 years later & its still being worked out. Minute by minute. Day by day. Month by month. Year by year.
There’s a protection that took place. God never let me feel more than I could handle at one given time. Psalm 91:4, Psalm 34:17-18, Psalm 84:11, Psalm 62:8….there are so many scriptures that show me He is present. It’s important to know that there is no time table on grieving. People don’t know better than the Creator. He gave me one emotion at a time at first. He walks with the hurting. He has never left my side. When he knew I was ready he allowed more emotions to come forth.
People move on with their lives, some friends bail & all the while my life stopped. I was back here. I could picture in my mind standing on an empty dirt road. Alone. Not moving backward or forward. Just existing…standing. Looking ahead. Most of the people in my life were so far ahead that they were blurry dots that I could barely see. They moved on as they should.
My God saw all. I wasn’t alone. He was there. He ushered in new friends & strategically placed the chosen few to stand strong. He lifted me up & carried me daily. There were days that all I could do was keep my eyes on Him. My prayers were weak & few but I was clinging tightly to Him. Romans 8:26-27
This is the time that praying for others is vital. They did the praying that I couldn’t. I’ll never be able to thank those prayer warriors enough.
Jesus took the pieces of my heart & lovingly put it back together. The scars are the glue. There are times that the wounds break open, weep & bleed a little. I believe there’s never a full healing. The walking wounded. I recognize hurt in faces. It’s real. Slow down, pause & notice. Christ love is waiting to come out through each of us toward another. I can never fully understand how another feels but I can be the hands & feet of Jesus just like so many were/are for me.
This is where we meet. Now. Today. For whatever reason these are the parts I felt you needed to know first. This is where I start my blog. Its a window for you to see inside of what makes me me.
Hope. It took on a whole new meaning. My Hope. Psalm 25:4-5
In His love, Tracy