There are days I barely recognize my life. This wasn’t the picture I had in my mind all those years ago when my kids were small. Things were never perfect, but we had a rhythm that was at a minimum predictable. Until it wasn’t and the unraveling began.
There are times when no matter how hard you try to keep all the pieces together they just won’t fit. Some fall to the ground, some get lost and some fray along the edges.
I think as females we try to hold everything together, but our arms get so full we just can’t do it. We believe the lie that we’ve failed instead of understanding we are limited in our human capabilities.
I thought if I just tried harder or a different way that eventually things would get better. I could see my efforts coming up pretty empty, and I prayed for the Lord to fill in the gaps that were being left.
I’ve always struggled with “not good enough” thinking. I thought if I did enough then I could be enough. In being enough I would be accepted as enough. It’s a crazy circle of enough. One that never stops spinning. All of it was so far from the truth. More importantly, it couldn’t have been further from His Truth.
None of us can ever be good enough. That’s why we need Him. If my identity is in my roles or tasks, then it’s terribly misplaced. My identity has everything to do with Him and nothing to do with me. If I don’t live out my days from that true identity, I’ll always feel like I’m falling short.
You know….it’s funny, looking back I never really had a vision too far ahead in the future. I’ve been taking it day by day for years. Oh, trust me, I had ideals and dreams…but I kept those tucked away in a safe place.
Maybe you know that place. Where no one else can crush or sabotage your dream.
I kept them neatly arranged right next to the Lord. He knew every single one. What I didn’t do was pray about each of them. They were my thoughts and things I hoped for, but not things I sought His direction with.
When some of those things started falling apart, I realized just because He let me put them there didn’t mean He was holding them in his care. They weren’t part of His plan. They were part of mine.
In the blink of an eye the day by day has become years gone by. Back then days felt so long. Now years feel incredibly short.
I can’t make human sense out of a lot of what happens. This is what I do know…every generation makes choices that effect the next. Each person’s choices impacts others. And wounds will be present.
Sicknesses, tragedies, abandonment, death, accidents, addictions, abuse, losses, all the unplanned are rarely seen as a reality on the horizon. When they hit it causes a shattering.
As awful as those things are I can tell you it was in those places where I learned the most about changes I needed to make. Each and every one took away more of me so there could be more of Him. And it still is, because refining never ends.
Verses like 2 Corinthians 5:17 and Colossians 3:1-4 lead me back to the thoughts I need to have in my mind. Thoughts that bring life, not death.
None of us can force someone else to see, own and make needed changes. We can’t stop accidents or disease from happening. We can’t undo what someone else has done. We can’t be the glue that holds everything together….but there is One who can.
In the midst of all the hurt is healing hope. His wounds ushered in healing for all.
I may never see restoration in some areas, but that doesn’t mean it’s not possible. There is nothing beyond His reach. Nothing and no one.
Some days I open my eyes and am exhausted before the day even starts. My mind races with “how long, Lord, how long.” I can’t tell you how many times my morning bible study and devotions hit right at the core of my weariness. He meets me right where I’m at.
Other days I’m able to start out with a heart of gratitude.
I wish I could tell you I anticipated each day and had eyes immediately ready to see all the blessings. Right now those days are on the rare side as I sit in the waiting. What I haven’t done is give up. I know with each new day comes a fresh filling of mercy that gifts me with His guidance and help for my thinking.
“Wait for the Lord; be strong, and let your heart be courageous. Wait for the Lord.” Psalm 27:14
Jesus willingly endured the cross to make all things right. There was pain and heartache. And suffering. Because of what He did I’m able to get through pain and heartache. And suffering.
If you are surrounded by circumstances that have you heavy laden please don’t give up. He is the God of all hope and he’s right by your side!
Romans 15:13 “Now may the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you believe so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.” (CSB)
I know it can feel hard to find hope when so much heaviness is surrounding you. My prayer for you is that you’ll find comfort in His word and in his presence.
“Come to me, all of you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take up my yoke and learn from me, because I am lowly and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.” Matthew 11:28-30
I don’t know if you’ve ever seen a yoke in action but if both animals don’t move together it doesn’t work. They have to go in the same direction and speed. One can’t get in front of the other or there’s no momentum. It’s the same if one pulls, lags behind or turns their head. There must be a unison effort. A more experienced animal is paired with one that needs direction and guidance.
Guess who needs direction and guidance? Yep, I’m the girl with her hand raised! When I try to go ahead of Jesus, do things in my own effort or take off in a different way I lack His peace and rest.
Those verses are incredibly personal and specific. Jesus knows we will be heavy laden and weary and invites us to come. To come to Him. We don’t have to walk alone. The world is a hard place to be. We can yoke with Him and he will help us make it through.
I want to learn from Him in the waiting. I need to learn from Him. If you’re in the waiting there’s space for you right next to me. We can wait and learn together.
Because He lives you and I can make it through today and face tomorrow. Never forget that! All Because He lives!
Resting with Jesus,
Tracy
My Hope 