Monthly Archives: May 2017

Dear Hurting Mama

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Dear sweet grieving mom,

I wish we could be taking a walk together & just be present. No words, no expectations…just silent knowing why the quiet works.

We both know words rarely help. Often times, words end up hurting. We get that others don’t know what to say & we really don’t need them to get anything anyway. We just need to know they remember.

We need them to remember we have lost a child. We need them to not forget our child. We aren’t seeking constant doses of sympathy. We just need an ounce of silent support. A few people left in our lives that don’t forget. Others around us that see certain days are hard & acknowledge it with a ‘thinking about you’, a hug, a scripture or a silent walk. Someone left who totally gets there is no time table. It’s a forever loss.

You & I know that we aren’t “stuck” & that we have continued in life. We see the ones that are trapped & it’s so sad. They need our prayers.

We get up everyday & attempt to live out what the Lord needs us to do. Those who say, “move on” really just need our grace & forgiveness. It doesn’t help to become bitter about words spoken. They aren’t moms who have lost a child. I’m thankful for that.

We lace our warrior shoes on daily. This is our path. There is no turning back. We walk forward with bleeding hearts that no one else can see.

We desperately love the ones still here. Our body spent months sustaining the life of each child we are blessed with. A bond is formed. A connection of life. We stay present for the ones we can & a piece of us is with the one gone. We try so hard to balance.

I have no answers for the why’s. I try & stay away from why. “Why’s” drain hope. I believe the Lord goes before me & He has all of this in his hands. I trust him. I need him & I won’t turn away from him.

I know the hurt is constant & never shuts off. We go about our life & live but it’s always there. Anything can trigger an instant flashback at any given time. We walk around with an endless ache that reality has left behind. We miss & we miss hard.

The loneliness inside can swallow. It seems no one sees. We’re different now. Time doesn’t change anything. Jesus does. He patches the wounds with his comforting love. The loss….the painful ache of the heart & the crushing grief become woven with him as we sink deeper into dependence on Christ. We surrender to his compassionate care as he delicately forms our new normal.

We wait. We pray. We seek. We cry. We trust. We read God’s Word. We sob. We hurt. We get on our knees. We hand the Lord our pain because we just don’t know what else to do with it.

I know we aren’t alike. I don’t understand your loss & you don’t understand mine. The thing is….we understand that. We have a common vine. It’s called the loss of a child. We hang from it individually, yet next to one another. No two grieving mothers are exactly the same. We may be placed in a category of sameness by others but we know we are very different.

Please hear my heart. I see your eyes. I see the loss. I’m so sorry.

I miss the sound of my child’s voice too. I have regrets & unspoken words. I miss seeing his face. I miss his laugh. I grieve all the never will be’s. I want to make him cookies. I want to say I’m sorry for a thousand things. I want him to see his sister grow up. I want him to love on her. I want him to have guy time with his brothers. I want to see my kids doing life together. I want him to play with his nieces. I want to hug him. I’d give anything to wash dishes from a meal he ate. I’d take 1 minute with him. I get this part. I do. I miss mine too.

Ugh….Mother’s Day is hard. The days leading up are the pits. The day after is a different sorrow knowing the day has past & you made it through. There’s no way to explain it to anyone around you so you don’t. You lock it away & it becomes another layer to your scars. Your heart is so heavy from scars you have no idea how it stays in your chest. I’m pretty sure it’s anchored in by Jesus. Oh, blessed Savior & Redeemer.

You may feel alone on Mother’s Day. As crazy as it seems, you aren’t. There’s an army of us. We might be a million miles apart but that’s ok. I’ll be praying for you & I’d love if you’d pray for me too.

In Christ,

Tracy

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A Different Kind of Mother’s Day

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Mother’s Day is quite the day! It can be one where memories are made & time is spent with those you love. If you’re able to celebrate this occasion with joy then treasure the minutes. Look at the faces of your loved ones. Listen to their sweet voices. Soak in every second of it. Oooo & Aaaa over the homemade masterpieces.

There’s a different kind of Mother’s Day that many don’t see. It’s the emptiness & sorrow. It’s the weeping when you’re alone & on the inside when you’re not. It’s the pain & regret that come from life. It’s the realities that no one can change.

I would like to ask you to pray for the hurting as this day approaches.

For some, it’s a day remembering what was. A sorrow in what will no longer be.

I wish there wasn’t one day set aside. I understand it’s a nice gesture but dare I say that it’s more than a day. This whole one day thing puts pressure on people. It opens back up wounds. It can end up being another rushed attempt to fulfill someone else’s dream of the “perfect day” when in reality there is no such thing.

It would be so much better if we focused on making the most of each day. Spending time in fellowship & just being together. I think we’ve missed the whole point. The real gift is people & time.

This other Mother’s Day is:

-the mom who grieves the loss of a child, -the one who never became a mom, -the child who never knew their mom, -the mom who hasn’t spoken to her child in years, -the one who has no idea where her child even is, -the one who is sobbing the day before so she can be present & joyful for her other children, -the one who lives states away & hasn’t seen her child in years because life is just too busy, – the one who no longer has a mom on earth, -the one who’s child has fallen & is locked away in prison, -the one with empty arms, -the mom who finds out the unimaginable about her child, -the one who’s child is trapped in addiction & wants nothing to do with her, -the one who spends the day at her child’s grave because that was her only child, -the one who’s dreams have been shattered by her own poor choices, -the one who truly believes no one understands,  -the one who desperately wants to celebrate this day but no man has chosen her to be his bride. This is a tiny glimpse into the other Mother’s Day. It’s very real & very raw.

If someone came to your mind after reading that list then reach out to them. A quick text letting them know they aren’t forgotten. An email saying you’re thinking about them. A handwritten note in the mail with some scripture. Anything.

If you found yourself in that list – I’m so sorry. It’s a bad list to be on. Can I share something with you? There’s hope. There really is. Past the horrible heart splitting hurt is where it’s found. The source of this life breathing hope is Jesus. He can fill any emptiness inside. Any. Go to Him. Open the pages of the Bible & seek Him. Spend time with Him.

Matthew 11:28-30

I’m also in that list. To ease the losses, I worship. I’m alive in Him. He is my breath of life. I breathe in His healing grace. He IS sovereign over every one of my steps. From the beginning to the end – He deserves all the glory. He is beside me through the fires. IT’S NO LONGER I WHO LIVE BUT CHRIST WHO LIVES WITHIN ME. He is the reason I can.

~ Don’t forget to say that prayer for the hurting on Mother’s Day. Trust me, they’ll need it. Ephesians 6:18

In Christ,

Tracy

#myhope #loss #rootsofhealing

What If

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How important is trust to you? Is it a deal breaker? A relationship destroyer?

  • What if someone hid things from you?
  • What if someone lied not only to you but about you?
  • What if someone deceived you?
  • What if someone close to you shared your confidences?
  • What if  someone you cared about seriously wronged you?
  • What if you got hurt over & over again by the same person?

What if that someone is your spouse, parent, child, mentor, friend or a respected person in authority? Does that alter your answer any?

Let’s switch up the questions a bit.

  • What if there’s unanswered prayer?
  • What if you can’t hear God anymore?
  • What if you feel abandoned & left all alone?
  • What if no one is hearing you?
  • What if you’ve been in a season of waiting for a really long time?
  • What if you’ve suffered deep losses?

I could add in pages & pages of what if’s & I’d probably still miss a bunch. What if? What would you do? What should you do? Is there really anything to do?

I think the real question here is trust. For me, trust is super important. A trustworthy person is like a treasure. ~ Proverbs 21:3 ~ Trust & forgiveness are usually found together.

Being able to trust after hurtful situations can be so difficult. Are any of us completely trustworthy? If we’re honest, the answer is no. We all let people down in one way or another. The only one that doesn’t is Christ.

In steps forgiveness.

Choosing to forgive like Jesus forgives isn’t something I can do on my own. I can, however, do it through him. It’s another layer of dying to self & living in Christ. The Lord tells me I must forgive as much as I’ve been forgiven. That’s a huge immeasurable amount.

Forgiveness might seem easier if there weren’t feelings involved but they are & there’s no way to change that. The truth is, forgiveness is surrounded by emotions but it’s not a feeling in itself. It’s a decision. My feelings are usually stumbling blocks against forgiving anyway.

A wise person shared with me that forgiveness is daily. DAILY.

You might be thinking, ” I can’t, you don’t understand.” You’re absolutely right, I can’t either & no, I don’t completely understand but I can relate to a certain degree. I’ve had some things in my lifetime, let me tell ya. Oh, I’ve had some things.

The good news is, He knows I can’t. HE CAN! Forgiveness is possible through & with Him. He sends the right people, books, scripture verses, worship songs, devotionals, pulpit teachings, podcasts, emails, texts & whatever else he desires to use for guidance. He never abandons. I’m the one that can refuse to listen or turn away in rebellion.

Forgiving doesn’t mean forgetting but it does mean releasing. I don’t have the right to hold anyone in chains. What actually happens is I chain myself in an internal prison. With God’s grace I can choose to not obsess about the hurt. I can have freedom. Not one ounce of this is possible without God.

Broken trust is a hard one for me. I’ve been studying on forgiveness like crazy & it’s not over. I need more of God’s Word to wash over my heart. I need Him to break me. Sorting out the differences between hurt & needing to forgive can get murky in my mind. It can take awhile but thankfully the Lord is patient with me.

At the end of the day can I change any of the what if’s that occur in my own life? No, not even close but I can change me with His help. It’s in the moments of coming to the end of myself & deep hurt that I finally open my tightly clenched fists & lay my hands out to Jesus. My flesh driven pride battles with my desire for humility.

You see, they can’t reside together. If I’m trying to be the lord of my own life then I no longer remain humble in the one true King. A prideful heart justifies actions. A humble heart can forgive & focuses on justification through Jesus Christ. Oh Lord, may you gift me with your humbleness.

What can be done to heal from broken trust? There is Worship! Lord, may I roar the praises of Your glory in worship. ~ Psalm 103  ~

There is Prayer! Lord, help me to pray for those who have hurt me. ~Mark 11:25 ~

Worship & prayer can soften the heart. Devoted worship can saturate the hurts in truth. All in. Complete surrender.

There is His Word! Ephesians 4…Lord, may it soak into me! Luke 6…Lord, may I meditate on it day & night!

Whatever you do, don’t give up! There is hope! Always hope! Hope in Him, in his Word & in his plan.

I’m right here with you. Forgiveness takes supernatural effort. I think it’s time, don’t you? May our actions not grieve the Holy Spirit.

In Christ,

Tracy

 

– I understand that some what if’s are way more serious than what I mentioned & I’m truly sorry if you have experienced any.