Disillusionment is not a word I use often but it’s a word that I’m becoming familiar with.
Much to my horror, my writing has halted. Gone are the endless words coming to me at all times of the day. No longer am I running to paper to quickly jot things down before I forget them. This has been heavy on my heart so I’m “attempting” some words here. Kinda like the theory get back on the bike after you fall down. This could be a botched attempt but at least it’s an attempt. At this point, I’ll take it.
I can’t remember the exact date or time when it happened. I can, however, picture the crushing moment of realizing ” I have nothing to say.” A portion of the reason is disillusionment. I couldn’t put a word on it for months but recently the Lord revealed it to me. I’ve stepped into a valley. The crazy part is I’m not distant from Jesus. Nope, I’m actually more dependent than ever on Him.
Let me try & explain without giving unnecessary details. My life has pretty much been one of learning, stretching & growing….as it should. (I’m talking my after salvation years. My before is a whole book in itself) The situations that break me of me. The allowed life events that push me to the cross. I have to choose selfish or selfless & I’d love to say I’m really good at picking selfless but I’d be lying. I can honestly tell you though that I’m trying.
This past late summer had some bumps. Then fall came. That’s when I had nothing to say. I couldn’t barely sort through all that was happening. I’m talking a solid 5 mountains. One after the other after the other came. At that point all I could do was grab the Lord, hang on tight & come what may. I had lessons to learn. Some were my responses to situations…some was my heart attitude & some has been a serious self check. I can’t change people or circumstances but I can change me. How many times have I said that exact thing & here it was at a whole new level.
Don’t get me wrong. I’m not saying life is all about me. Quite the opposite. It’s not about me. The day it becomes only about me is the day that I bought the lie. I prayed for humility awhile ago & here I am. When you pray then you practice. I’m learning a lot about my weaknesses. I’ve had no choice but to evaluate areas that are uncomfortable. I’ve also been reminded of what I avoid like the plague. I’ve had to stop & look at all those mountains & make a decision. Either I’m going to turn my back on them & be stuck or I’m going to let the Lord lead me up those mountains one step at a time. One lesson at a time. Tied securely to my God.
God is able. I am not.
I’m working on disillusionment. It’s a hard pill to swallow sometimes. I can’t do anything about what other people do or what they say. People let people down. Heck, I let people down. It’s a warning sign to me that I had too much focus on myself, on others & not enough on my King. Pruning hurts but if I don’t let the Lord cut off my bad fruit then I’ll have endured storms for nothing. There’s not a day on this earth that we are given the right to stop growing. Change starts in the heart & it doesn’t stop.
I wish I could change some things but I can’t. Oh, how I wish I could halt painful trials but I can’t. I’m human & I hurt. I laid my strength down months ago. I’ve been riding on His. He is good to me. He loves me. He doesn’t leave me stuck. He hasn’t changed anything that has happened but he is changing me. Goodness, I don’t know why some of us have heavy loads to bear. I absolutely believe it’s for a purpose & that my hope can be in Him alone. I pray the same hope for you.
Psalm 27:14 Wait on the Lord: Be of good courage, and He shall strengthen your heart; Wait, I say, on the Lord!
Oh Lord, I pray for your Spirit to guide me, convict me & to strengthen me in my walk with Christ. Please show me my idols & remove them from my heart. Help me to worship you with all of my heart, all of my soul, all of my mind & all of my strength. Show me the paths you need me on. I can never thank you enough for all you have done. You alone are worthy. In all things may I forever say ” it is well with my soul.” ….Amen!
In Christ service,
#myhope #holiness #believer #heisworthy